With or Without You
by Addicted2Words17
Summary: She looks so confused right now and suddenly there's this weight on my heart. "I did so many bad things Ashley…"
1. Chapter 1

_**New story I've been working on and hopefully update more than I did my other one. Please let me know what you think.**_

**With or Without You**

**Prologue/ A Bad Dream**

Nobody heard the door creak open, nobody heard the footsteps that intruded their perfect suburban lives. They came from a small town in Ohio for fucks sake, locking your doors there wasn't a necessity. But now, after four months of living in LA, you would think that they would have known better. You would think that it would have dawned on the Carlins to lock every door and window in their two story home.

But they didn't.

So when the intruders broke in through the front door Mr. and Mrs. Carlin didn't hear them from their room upstairs. Their fifteen year old son Clay, who fell asleep playing video games didn't hear one of them creep up behind him. Their thirteen year old daughter Spencer didn't hear them come up the stairs and their other fifteen year old Glen; well he was out with the cheer captain from his high school. So there was no one there to help Clay when they snatched him and gagged him. No one was there to help Mr. and Mrs. Carlin who were also dragged down the stairs, kicking and screaming down the stairs. Spencer did, however, wake up when her door was shut closed by accident when the Intruders had passed her room during the grabbing of her parents. Spencer Carlin, barely a teenager, and quite scared, she runs into the closet. The door to her room opens and a man she can't really make out in the dark checks around her room before shutting the door.

When Spencer hears the man's steps get further away she goes to her door and opens it quietly. She peeks out the door and when it is safe she heads to her steps where she can see her parents and Clay on their knees in front of a man she can't really see. The man is asking her parents where their little girl is and her parents say she isn't there.

Now Spencer, she isn't a dumb girl, so when she sees this man pull out a gun she knows this is the last memory she will have of her family. The same stranger talks to someone she can't see and asks them a question Spencer can't hear. Then a long pause before this stranger, this asshole with no name, turns the gun on Clay and pulls the trigger. He hits Clay straight in the head that held so much knowledge; he hits the brain that would have made Clay a millionaire. Clay's head lurches back and he falls backwards, never having seen it coming. Spencer's gasps are overpowered by her mother's sobbing and her father's yelling at these men. He says words that sound like mumble coming from a crying man. The only thing Spencer hears is her mother yelling my baby boy. In the middle of her yelling another shot rings and it hits her mother who falls back in the same manner Clay did. Spencer is frozen, she wants to run downstairs, to run anywhere, but nothing happens and she is forced to sit there as her father catches the last bullet.

These strangers, these intruders, they leave without another word. Spencer checks out and the next thing she remembers is being held in her brother, Glen's, arms outside of their formally safe suburban home. There are siren lights and people, but all Spencer can see is her brother and all she can hear is him saying;

"Close your eyes it's just a bad dream Spence"

The last of her family, Glen Carlin, and a social worker took him away from her a week later. They separate the only existing Carlin's left and Spencer is left with an empty feeling in her chest. She doesn't know that this is emptiness she feels all she knows is that something about her is no longer right. Other people notice it, especially the other kids in the home she was sent to. They beat up and tortured our young Carlin and not once did she make a peep. Spencer stayed so quiet that sometimes people forgot she was around. That's why running away from that place was so easy for her. Only carrying a backpack full of clothes and a picture of her family that one of the police officers gave to her the night her family died, Spencer Carlin was on her way. She was determined to find Glen and then they could leave together.

Then she met Ashley Davies.

Ashley, unlike Spencer, always had a shitty life. She was cursed with having the body of a woman at an early age. Ashley has always been beautiful and on her ninth birthday her mother's boyfriend noticed this. From that day on he decided to remind Ashley everyday what he thought of her body. Ashley never met her father and her mother was just as scared of her boyfriend as little Ashley was. So it occurred to Ashley at an early age to do what her mother did and pretend like it wasn't happening.

Him creeping into her room at night, it never happened.

The beating she would get when she tried to scream for help or stop him, it never happened.

The screaming coming from her mother's room whenever she tried to kick him out, it never happened.

Ashley's mother, she stopped pretending one day and she took Ashley and they left to a women's shelter. Ashley hated it there, although she was told she was safe she felt more scared then she had her whole life. She celebrated her thirteenth birthday there, the last day she saw her mother. Mrs. Davies left to get Ashley a present and after that she was never seen again. Two weeks later and Ashley left the shelter, backpack in hand. Whenever night time hit Ashley would ride the buses and sleep on there.

That's where she met Spencer Carlin.

She saw the blonde walk up to the bus stop, wearing hand me down clothes same as Ashley. This girl with a black sweater and long baggy jeans, too big for a girl her age, she had tears in her eyes. Ashley felt a pull and she suddenly had the urge to comfort this pretty girl with the dark blue eyes.

"Whatever it is I'm sorry it happened", the young brunette says in her softest voice. If you ask Spencer now she couldn't tell you why, but she grabbed onto Ashley and held her like they were old friends meeting again for the first time in years.

But this story isn't about how they met; it's about what happened four years later….


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter One: Get Your Money Up**

**(Four Years Later) **

**Spencer's POV**

He's watching me I'm sure.

I'm positive from the moment I walked in his greasy ass hasn't stopped watching me. It has to be my outfit. I'm wearing an old jean mini skirt with a plain white wifebeater and an old leather jacket. Most of my clothes are stolen from the goodwill so you don't exactly the hottest fashion. I tried to tell Ashley that I looked like shit, but she just shook her head.

"_You look Angelina Jolie in Girl, Interrupted hot"_

I swear that girl sees what isn't there. Nonetheless she convinced me to take part in her new plan. Usually whenever we need money we either;

Pickpocket

Sell what my mama gave me

Just steal what is needed

Now Ashley is trying to find a better and easier way. She is always coming up with schemes for money. She has this dream that we will get out of this life, she's been saying it ever since we met. Usually I just nod my head and smile, but I couldn't resist her begging. Begging Ashley usually comes with sad eyes. Plus the store she wanted to go to is small and shitty looking. Plus the camera that they have up doesn't even work.

I walk into the liquor section and grab a couple of four locos. Personally I think this drink is the devil reincarnated, but Ashley loves them. I prefer Sparks myself. I walk over to the register and Greasy Man shoots me a grin. I refrain from rolling my eyes and choose to smirk at him.

"Now Darling you don't look twenty one" The grin never leaves his face and I'm starting to get sick watching this fat balding asshole drool over me.

"Aww you aren't going to card me are you?" I take a single finger and drag it across the counter. "I forgot my ID at home and I'm just so… thirsty" My voice drops just a hint lower. I bite my bottom lip and stare at him like he is the cover model of GQ magazine. He gulps and reaches his hand out to mine.

Please don't touch me.

Please don't touch me.

"We can make an exception for you. That will be five dollars" I snatch my hand away quickly and hand him the money. He takes it, but pauses when the door jingle sounds. In walks a kid wearing a large jacket with the hood covering their face. "Off with the hood Kid"

The kid doesn't listen and walks to the snacks stand. Greasy Man opens the register, eyes completely on the kid the whole time. As soon as it opens the kid snatches a handful of Suzie Q's and runs out of the store.

"You little fucker!" Greasy Man runs (or rather attempts to) after the culprit.

Poor fat bastard.

I look around the store and make sure I'm alone. Then I proceed to grab one of the bags behind the register and take out fifty dollars.

I always say take what won't be missed.

Afterwards I walk back into the liquor section and grab a couple of sparks and a few more four locos. Then on my way out I grab a few bags of chips. I spot Greasy Man not even ten feet from the store panting.

"Those damn kids, do you want me to call the police?" I try to appear concerned as I place my hand on his sweaty back.

"No…They're…Long…Gone"

"Kids these days have no respect" I shake my head and walk away from the store, turning when I get to the corner.

There she is.

Ashley smiles at me when she takes her hood off. She runs her fingers through her curly hair as she leans against a random car.

"I told you it would work", she says cheekily. She crouches down and pulls two bags from under the car.

"Yeah… yeah…yeah. This is a one time thing, I'm not going all Bonnie and Clyde with you" She reaches out for the bag I'm holding and I hold it out to her. The bag is carefully placed into Ashley's bag before she zips it up.

"You would totally be my Bonnie" Ashley looks up and raises an eyebrow to me.

"I wouldn't like it"

"Uh huh" Ashley shakes her head and throws a bag on each shoulder.

"I can take one of those you know. After all, that one" I point to the one on her left. "Is mine"

"I don't mind" I shake my head at her smirk. You would think that after spending four years with someone you would be over how they affect you. You would think that I would stop being so fascinated by the brunette. "Sean and Maddie are probably waiting on us"

Ashley loves Sean. I mean the girl adores him like no other and it's completely platonic. He is like an older brother to her; he always makes sure she is okay. We first met him when we walked into the wrong neighborhood and got into some trouble with some guys. Sean walked up and told them we were with him.

I swear he is a god send sometimes.

The only downside is he works for a guy named Aiden. Sean is more into the drug side of hustling although he never does them.

I wish I could say the same, but we all have to get by some way.

Madison is more my friend than Ashley's. In fact Ashley can't stand her, she says Maddie is manipulative. Mostly because she works for Aiden, but she doesn't do what Sean does. She finds young girls and promises them the world; all they have to do is fuck their way to the top. Most people see her as a bitch for that, I say get it how you live.

Madison always says _"People are going to do it regardless, might as well get a piece of the action"_

We reach this little dive in restaurant that we have become regulars at. Ashley doesn't like eating at major businesses. She says smaller ones tend to appreciate you more and remember you for next time. So even when we don't have the cash the owner will look the other way. Before we walk in Ashley takes off her hood revealing her grey t shirt underneath.

"Ashley, Spencer I was wondering when I would see you two troublemakers" Mr. Dorian is a man in his late forties. He has grey hair and a really thick mustache, but he is a nice guy. From the moment he saw me and Ashley he made it his mission to make sure we ate at least once a day. That's the reason everyone calls him Bishop.

"Hey Bishop" We both greet him and he shakes his head.

"They're over there at your booth" He takes a rag and wipes down the counters. Ashley walks anxiously towards the table while I choose to hang out with Bishop a little longer. "You girls are getting too skinny I tell you. Why don't you come in more often?"

"Because you already do enough for us" It's true, the man once let us sleep in his booths when it was pouring outside.

"I don't do enough. It kills me to see you girls out there, why don't you let me help you?"

"Because we can help ourselves, Ashley has a plan" He chuckles and shakes his head.

"She always has a plan"

"She seems pretty determined this time" I glance over my shoulder to see Ashley animatedly telling a story.

"When are you going to stop torturing her and tell her you love her too?" Bishop is one of the few people who know the situation between me and Ashley. He knows she is in love with me because I tell him about all the times she tells me. I'm just not ready for that yet. I like the way things are now and she is determined to mess that up.

"I don't love her"

"Do you get a kick out of lying to people?"

"She's just my best friend"

"I'll take that as a yes" He stops wiping the counters and stares at me. "She truly does love you. All it takes is one look and you can tell that that girl…" He points to Ashley who is now staring at us. "Would follow you into shark infested waters. You're that girl's world"

"And you don't see that as a problem?"

"You need someone that cares Spencer"

"I'm fine", I argue. Bishop gives me a once over.

"Can you honestly look at me and say that? I know you are on something Spencer. I see a lot more than you think and I know Madison has you into something"

"I can take care of myself" I walk away towards our usual table. Ashley scoots over and pats the spot next to her. I slide in and she stretches out a little in the booth.

"Ashley told us about your Set It Off adventures" Sean smiles while Ashley grins triumphantly. "I told her it better be a one time thing. That kind of stuff can get you caught up real quick"

"She knows, I told her already" I make sure to say my words to Ashley.

"She is sitting right here"

"We know, we see you" Ashley sticks her tongue out at me.

"Aiden is having a party tonight, you two should come" Bishop comes over and puts two cokes in front of me and Ashley.

"I don't know Maddie" I look to Ashley for some kind of signal, but she is staring at the table.

"He asked for you personally" Aiden has been trying to get me to go out with him ever since we met. "Even if you don't want him there are other guys… and girls"

Now that has my attention.

Madison knows I don't care about gender to me it's all about the person. She also knows I'm not looking for love either. Plus it's been awhile since I've actually slept with someone because I'm attracted to them.

"Is that all you two do? Think about fucking" Ashley grumbles from the corner.

"There will be plenty of girls" I roll my eyes at Madison's words because Ashley isn't about having random hook ups. She may fuck for money, but we both consider that a job… something completely different.

"I don't want girls"

"Ashley…" I plead.

"Fuck it I'll go" She sits up and reaches for her drink. I pull it away from her. "I said I would go Spence"

"Fix your fucking attitude" I slide the drink over to her forcefully.

"My girl Ashley will be on her game tonight. She has me for a wingman" Sean winks at Ashley and I watch as she tries to hide a smile. "Matter of fact, I bet that Ashley finds someone before Spencer"

"We'll take that bet", Madison answers for me. "Hey Bishop, can we get a couple of burgers over here? We have a full night ahead of us"


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Two: Housatlantavegas**

**(Ashley's POV)**

_Hey there, pretty girl you know exactly what you got  
And I don't blame you at all  
You can't resist it_

Spencer is wasted.

I've been watching her drink for a couple of hours now. Her drink never get too low before Madison is off to refill for the both of them. Growing up I've always had a sixth sense for people who are no good. Madison and Aiden set my shit off the dial.

_Especially when the lights so bright and the money so right and it's coming in every single night  
She don't wanna leave  
She just stuck in_

Come on Spence just say no once. That's all I need from you. I need to know that you know when to stop. Madison drags Spencer off the dance floor and they go into one of the rooms downstairs.

_Houstatlantavegas, houstatlantavegas, houstatlantavegas  
Houstatlanta she just stuck in  
Houstatlantavegas, Houstatlantavegas, Houstatlantavegas, Houstatlantavegas_

"Spencer's still doing coke" It's not really a question; Sean knows it's a fact. This is another reason I don't care too much for Madison. She was the one who introduced Spencer to the higher side of life.

_And she dance...to this song… and she dance to this song… and it go  
Hey now now watch her go down_

"We gotta get out of here Sean" He looks at me and just knows. He knows I don't mean this party or this city. He knows I mean this life and the way we are living. Spencer deserves better and I want to make sure she gets it. I want the Spencer from for years ago who couldn't even say penis without giggling.

_She doesn't ever worry, if she wants it she'll get it on her own__  
__She knows there's more to life, and shes scared of ending up alone__  
__Throw your ones up in the air, throw your ones up in the air for her__  
__Throw your ones up in the air, cuz the ones you throw will get her out__ of_

"It's not going to work if Spencer doesn't want to"

_Houstatlantavegas, houstatlantavegas, houstatlantavegas  
Houstatlanta she just stuck in  
Houstatlantavegas, Houstatlantavegas, Houstatlantavegas, Houstatlantavegas_

"I'll fucking drag her out of it if I have to" Spencer walks out of the room looking a bigger mess than she is usually. I can't explain how I fell in love with this person that she is now. I think it's because of the days when she isn't high or drunk or around Madison. The days when all she wants to do is go to the beach and play in the water after dark. I like the Spencer that will use our last quarter on one of those shitty toy dispensers.

_We all got dreams and we all start reaching, all start peaking, all-star weekend..__  
__One hotel room and all ya'll sleeping, housekeeping knock to see if all ya'll decent__  
_

"That's if an overdose doesn't get her first" I glare at Sean, but we both know he's right. "Aiden's heading for her now"

If there was ever a bastard that needed to be castrated its Aiden.

_Young girls envy the life ya'll leading, never satisfied with a nice calm evening__  
__You be at the games looking right all season, but you always with me on the night ya'll leaving_

I'll never understand how someone like him ended up being big time. Sean says he belongs to this higher league of gangsters. He told me that the only way you can get in is if you have absolutely nothing left in your life. Aiden is one of those people, he started out on the streets and was determined to be the most ruthless person there ever was.

He would kill a five year old if it cried too loud.

I hear all of these rumors about him and it just begs the question. What does he want from Spencer? It's not like there isn't a line of blondes for him to fuck so why her? She's far from being a ride or die chick so what is he after.

_Ass low, ass low I always request you  
You just get fucked up and we just show up at your rescue  
__Carry you inside get you some water and undress you__  
__I give you my all, and the next morning you'll forget_

I see him wrap an arm around her and pull her close. She lets it happen because that's how Spencer is. She lets the world treat her like shit and just laughs it off. I wonder what her family would say if they saw her. I wonder what her brother would say if he was here.

"Here, drink this" Sean hands me a beer and I gulp it down. "Should I have told you to sip on it? Damn Ashley"

_Who, or Why, or How, or When__  
__Tonight is probably about to happen all over again__  
__Cuz she live in a mindset that I could never move to__  
__Until you find yourself, its impossible to lose you_

"He's no good for her. He doesn't love her Sean"

_Uh..because I never had you..._

"Spencer doesn't want to be loved" My heart sinks a little because it's true. I'm out of the running with her because I made the mistake of loving her. Spencer doesn't want someone to tell her they love her everyday. She doesn't want love notes or songs in her name. She just wants to fuck plain and simple.

Which is why she entertains Aiden because she knows he'll never love her.

_Although I would be glad to..__  
__I probably go and tattoo..your name on my heart,_

Sean grabs another beer out of the ice bucket nearby. He hands it to me and I sling that one back as well.

"You are going to make yourself sick" I watch Spencer lean into Aiden and I watch his hands on her ass. Spencer is not an ass grabbing girl; he would know that if he knew her.

_I swear__  
__I start,__  
__To think,__  
__That I'm going crazy_

"I already feel sick"

_Throw your ones up in the air, throw your ones up in the air for her__  
__Throw your ones up in the air, cuz the ones you throw will get her out of  
Houstatlantavegas, Houstatlantavegas, Houstatlantavegas, Houstatlanta..she just stuck in__  
__Houstatlantavegas, Houstatlantavegas, Houstatlantavegas, Houstatlantavegas_

The party ends around four am with everyone who didn't live there leaving. Sean has a room here; he is basically Aiden's right hand man. Aiden went to bed earlier with some random girl who looked no older than fourteen. He has this thing where he likes to break girls in before he puts them on the streets.

"You and Spencer can sleep in my room" Spencer has sobered up due to my intervening. I told Madison to back off and she did, dragging Aiden away with her. Spencer is fucked up so Sean and I have to half drag her to his room. This is rare when Spencer and I get to sleep in a bed, usually my suspicions of Aiden keep me from sleeping at his place. Sean helps me put her in the bed. "I'm going to hit the couch, you know where everything is"

"Thanks Sean, this won't happen again"

"Don't trip" He walks out of the room and I take off Spencer's jacket. I slip off my own jeans before helping Spencer with hers.

"I'm sleepy Ashley"

"I know Spencer"

"Can we watch…"

"Yeah we can" I walk over to our bags that we hid in the closet earlier. I dig into Spencer's and pull out a DVD. One of the things Spencer insisted we have was the movie Casper. I was in shock because there we were, barely able to feed ourselves, and she wanted a movie. I told her we didn't even have a TV or a home so it would be stupid. It was her pleading eyes that caused me to slip it into my pants when the clerk wasn't looking. So far we've seen this movie a handful of times. The opportunity to have a tv with a dvd player doesn't come up to often. I put the DVD in and get into the small bed with Spencer. I wrap my arms around her and she moves closer into me.

Spencer's loves to cuddle even if she doesn't admit it. More so she likes it when I hold her, it's the one time when she is truly vulnerable.

The movie continues, but Spencer only stays awake long enough to hear her favorite line. Soon afterwards her eyelids flutter closed and I stoker her cheek. I lean in and kiss her cheek, making sure to not wake her. Before I go to sleep I lean in her ear and whisper the familiar line.

"Can I keep you?" I'm met with a light snore, never expecting anything more. I continue watching the movie until sleep comes.

_And she dance..to this song..and she dance to this song..and it go:__  
__"Hey now now watch her go down"_


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry about the long time it took me to update. I'm glad people are reading and I warn that this story is... let's just say the mature rating fits. Thanks for the reviews.**

**The song in the title is "Displaced", by Azure Ray**

**Chapter Three: Displaced**

**(Spencer's POV)**

_It's just a simple line  
I can still hear it all of the time  
If I can just hold on tonight  
I know that no one, no one survives  
No one survives_

She's beautiful.

It's not like I haven't noticed, it's not like anyone can avoid noticing. There are some days where I wonder if she got her looks from her mother. I wonder what her father looks like and if he is looking for Ashley. I wonder if he even knows about her existence.

I wonder if Ashley even cares about him.

I asked her about it once not too long ago. She shrugged in response and we haven't broached the topic since. I worry that she's too content being with me, that she depends on me.

"Ashley" She takes a hungry bite out of the burger Bishop made for us and looks up at me. I wait for her to swallow her bite.

"Yeah Spence"

"What would you do if I wasn't around?" The confusion on her face tells me that this has never crossed her mind. That the idea of me not being around doesn't compute with her.

"Why would you not be around?"

"Ash, things happen to people all the time"

"Not to you"

"Ashley…"

"Drop it Spencer" I'm about to argue with her when Aiden appears.

"Hey beautiful" He leans down and kisses my cheek. I see anger flash across Ashley's face, but I ignore it.

"Hey Aiden" He looks at Ashley and seems to be waiting on something.

"I need to talk to Spencer alone", he stresses.

"Alone and Spencer don't go together when it comes to you" I silently beg her to leave with my eyes and I see her pleas to let her stay. "Fucking fine!" She gets out of the booth and storms away. I don't watch her go; I know it won't be far.

She never goes far, but some days… I wish she would.

"She's possessive"

"She's protective", I correct. Aiden sits down where Ashley once was and places his hands on the table. "What do you need?"

"I have an offer for you" I lean back and fold my arms, waiting for the next part. "How would you like to make a lot more money?"

"Depends"

"On?"

"What I have to do?"

"Is there anything you aren't willing to do?" He's an asshole, but his words are true. If Ashley was here she would yell at him. She would tell him how I have self respect and that I'm better than all of this. She would tell him to shove his offer up his ass.

Ashley's always been naïve when it comes to me.

"You're right" He smiles and continues.

"You know what Maddie does right?" I nod my head and wait to see where he is going with this. "How would you like to help her? I promise you it pays more than putting yourself out will"

"Isn't it the same thing? I'm selling my soul either way"

"Who needs a soul baby? This is LA" I've heard that phrase a lot from Maddie and now I know where she gets it from. Strangely it never seems as convincing as it does when Aiden says it. "Come with me, we'll discuss the details" He throws money on the table for Ashley and I's meal. I follow behind him, catching Bishop's disapproving stare on the way out. Aiden holds the door open for me and there we see Ashley talking to Sean outside. She raises her hand to halt the conversation when she sees us.

"Where you going Spencer?"

"God Ashley cut the cord already" Ashley ignores Aiden's words and stares at me.

"I said where are you going SPENCER?"

"Don't worry about it ASHLEY she's coming with me" Aiden grabs my hand forcefully and drags me with him. I don't look back at Ashley, but I hear her rushed footsteps. Before I know it she's shoving Aiden who runs into the side of a nearby building.

"You're not taking her anywhere dickface", she shouts. I step in between them, knowing how dangerous Aiden can be and how relentless Ashley is.

"I'll meet you at the park okay?" I cup her face in my hands and gaze into her eyes. She won't say no, not when I'm looking at her like this.

"Be careful", she sighs.

"I promise I will" She places her hands on top of mine and strokes my hands with her thumbs.

"I love you" She says it with so much certainty; as if it's the only thing she is sure of. It scares me and makes me dizzy with happiness at the same time.

I wish she wouldn't say it.

She waits for my response, but instead I peck her lips. When I pull back I see that her eyes are still closed. I remove my hands from her and walk away with Aiden.

"She's really in love with you", Aiden says after awhile.

"I know she is"

"She's weak Spencer… I don't even think she could survive without you" I'm half listening to him, I already know these things. "That's why you're smart; you know that people can disappear at any point. You don't get close and that's why I think you'll be a great addition" He continues to speak and wraps his arm around me. "You're smart not to care about her"

And I have to force myself not to tell him he's wrong.

I have to keep from telling him that there is something about Ashley that gives me butterflies. I haven't even admitted to myself that I haven't stopped thinking about Ashley since I heard her words a couple of nights ago.

_Can I keep you?_

I chop it up to the fact that I love that line so of course I'll love someone that says it. I should have told her no… that I'm not something that's meant to be kept.

"I wish she would let me go" I mean to say the words to myself, but from the smile on Aiden's face I know I said them out loud.

"Why don't you just ditch her?"

_Because I could never leave her._

_Because I need her._

"I don't know" I shrug my shoulders and Aiden chuckles to himself. He lowers his hand down my back so that it rest on my ass and I feel him lightly squeeze it. I don't say anything, I just keep walking.

We reach his place eventually and he leads me upstairs. I know what happens once we reach his bedroom. I've done it with enough guys to no longer be naïve about it. I remember something Ashley told me when we were younger.

"_All you have to do is pretend it never happened"_

She has no idea how many times I've used that advice. She doesn't know how far it's gotten me with some of the things I've had to do.

"I'm doing you a huge favor" He says as he sits me down on his bed. "You know that right?" I nod my head and watch as he pulls his shirt over his head. He unfastens the belt on his pants and unzips his zipper. "In return I think you should do me a favor" He pulls down his pants and is just in his boxers now.

It helps that he's attractive and not over the age of thirty.

It doesn't make this feel less dirty as he motions for me to take off my clothes and I stand up to do so. I keep telling myself this is business not pleasure. Once I'm clad in my underwear he walks over towards me and pulls me in for a rough kiss, groping me in places I'd rather not think about. I can feel him getting hard and I know I'm going to have to pep talk my way through this.

This is business.

I pull us over to the bed and push him on it, straddling him in the process. Soon the rest of our clothes are discarded.

"Remember the last time we hooked up"

I don't, I'm sure I was high out of my mind which is something I wish I was currently.

"Fuck I was so fucking turned on and I wanted to fuck you so bad, but then Ashley came"

I remember that part. I remember her bursting into the room like my knight in shinning armor. She yelled at Aiden, telling him that it would be rape if he tried anything with me. He didn't care, but Sean told him to let it go.

"Oh I forgot the party favors" He sits up, using one hand to hold me still and reaches for the mirror that contains the white powder I wished for. He gives me a bump and takes one himself before placing it back on the dresser. He positions himself inside of me and it actually feels good.

But then again that could be the drugs.

Either way, I don't really care.

He sleeps when we're done and I wonder how people do that. I wonder how they can be in the bed with someone they just fucked as if they care about them.

He gives me the courtesy of not touching me afterwards.

It didn't take long for him to get off and I'm quite proud of myself for that. I developed techniques to make sure I never have to go through it for too long. Aiden wasn't a bad fuck.

Ashley would be devastated if she knew that.

I check his alarm to see that's it's almost seven. I've been sitting here wide awake for a couple of hours. I move to get out of the bed when I feel Aiden's strong hand on my wrist.

"Where are you going?" he mumbles sleepily.

"To see Ashley"

"Not yet", he says before pulling me down towards him.

I was right when I said it was the drugs.

I'm thankful when he offers me more.


	5. Chapter 5

**Song used "Billionaire", by Travis McCoy ft. B.o.B.**

**Chapter Four: Billionaire**

**Ashley's POV**

_I wanna be a billionaire  
So fucking bad  
Buy all of the things I never had_

"It's been a couple of hours… where is she?" I pace in front of the picnic table that Sean is sitting on. We've been at the park for awhile now and I'm getting restless. Watching Spencer walk away with Aiden made me physically ill. Even now there is still an unsettling feeling in my stomach.

I'm so fucking scared of losing Spencer.

"Don't trip Ash, Spencer's a smart girl"

"If she's so fucking smart what is she doing with him?" Sean shakes his head, but doesn't respond. He knows I'm just displacing my anger. "I'm sorry Sean I just…"

"I know", he finishes. "Aiden's a bad dude… I get it, but you have to believe that Spencer knows what she's doing" I climb up the bench and sit next to Sean on top of the table. I hang my head in my hands.

"She asked me what I would do without her?"

"When?"

"Today… " I glance at his face and he seems to be thinking.

"What did you say?"

"I told her to drop it" There is a long silence between us as I work up the courage to ask Sean for a favor. "Sean"

"Yeah Ash"

"Do you care about me?" Confusion is evident on his face.

"Why is that even a question? You're like my little sister Ash", He throws an arm around my shoulder. "I fucking love you kid", he jokes.

"Yeah, you're like a brother to me too" He is truly the only person I care about in this world other than Spencer. "I need a favor Sean"

"Alright"

"I need to make some fast money" He's about to speak when I stop him. "Just enough to get me and Spencer out of here. You can even come with us and we can start over"

"I can't leave my kid Ash, but I can try to help you. What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking I could do what you do" He removes his arm and rubs his hands together. "I could be like your lackey… I could help you sell more and you would only have to pay me what you want"

"Ash, it's too dangerous"

"What could be more dangerous than where we are right now? Please Sean… you are my last chance" I need him to say yes. "I promise as soon as I get enough I'll grab Spencer and we'll leave"

"And go where?"

"Somewhere in NorCal" I have a couple of places in mind, but nothing is set in stone. Sean nods his head as he thinks this over.

"You promise you won't come back? Spencer included"

"I promise" I'll use force before I let Spencer come back to this shit.

"Okay, I'll work some things out" I'm about to thank him when he points in front of us. "There's your girl" Spencer has her arms wrapped around herself and she walks towards us. She looks so small and fragile. She reaches us and I notice the look in her eye.

The look that says that my Spencer is away right now.

"Damn it Spencer" I throw my hands up in frustration. Sean stares at me, trying to figure out why I'm so upset. "She's high"

"Nice to see you too Ash" She's looking everywhere, but at me. Spencer isn't stupid she knows I'm not okay with this. "Do you have my bag?" I sigh heavily and point under the table.

"I grabbed it"

A random guy walks over to us shivering the whole way. He looks at Sean with pleading eyes and Sean stands up.

"I can't help you man", he says coolly.

"Come on Sean… I promise… I'll get the money… I've just been having bad luck" Sean is shaking his head the whole time. "I can give you half of it"

"This isn't a fucking Wal-Mart. I don't do layaway" I've seen this guy before; every time he comes it's with a new excuse. I glance at Spencer as her eyes roam the park.

I won't let Spencer end up like him.

"I promise… this is the last time… I just need it real bad"

"Come back when you have the money" with those words Sean dismisses the man. The guy looks desperate and I can tell he is racking his mind for something.

"I have this watch… it was a gift" He holds up his arm for Sean's inspection.

"Alright" Sean holds out his hand for the watch and the man quickly pulls it off. "You think you can get something for this?" Sean looks at me and I shrug my shoulders, but take it anyway. He reaches in his pocket and pulls something out. He keeps his hand closed and waits for the other guy to shake it.

After the man gets what he wants he stares at the watch in my hand.

"If I find out it's not worth shit, I'll fucking find you" He grabs the guy by his shirt and pulls him close. "And then you pay with your life. You hear me bitch?" The guy nods his head frantically and Sean pushes him away.

"I'll be back with the money for that watch"

"No you won't" Sean has been doing this long enough to know that no one keeps their promises. We watch as the guy speed walks away. "I bet his wife or something gave him that watch"

"Why would he sell it?" Sean stares at Spencer when he answers me.

"It's the drugs, they fuck with you…make you desperate"

/

"Spencer, if I get the money would you leave with me?" Spencer is curled up into me as we lay on the beach underneath the pier. She plays with my shirt, rubbing her fingers over the fabric.

"Why do you want to leave so bad?" She's coming down from her high and I'm grateful that I get to talk to this version of Spencer. Usually it takes her about an hour and a half to be herself again.

"You don't want to?" She snuggles further into me. We have one blanket and it's not much, but it does the job.

"I want to find Glen" I forgot that she still looks for him. In the beginning she would have us looking everyday for hours. Then slowly we started looking less and less.

"What if he doesn't even live here anymore?"

"He does"

"How do you know?" I hope my frustration isn't evident.

"I just know Ashley" She sits up and looks into my eyes. "Look… you can go if you want, but I'm not going anywhere"

"I'm not going to just leave you Spence" She lies her head on top of my stomach and I run my fingers through her hair. "I just want us to be happy"

"I don't deserve happiness" I wrap my arms around Spencer and hold her close. I don't like it when she thinks like that.

"You do Spence and I'm going to make sure we get it"

"Okay Ash… I believe you", she murmurs. I can tell she's falling asleep so I pull the blanket up higher.

"I love you Spence", she doesn't say anything.

But one day she will.

/

Sean and I are sitting at the tables next to a taco truck. He's telling me the rules he has set for me. He's going to start sending me on errands. All I have to do basically is get the drugs to him. He's set it up with his supplier and told me not to worry. He also told me that under no circumstances can I let Aiden know.

I had to laugh at that one.

Spencer is out with Madison, she told me not to worry and that she would meet me later. I didn't have time to ask questions; Sean wanted me to meet him.

"Rule number one" He takes a sip of his drink. "This is my rule for you; no drug is worth your life. If someone tries to jump you, you drop the drugs and run"

"Fuck no; I'll take them with me"

"Ashley this rule is a deal breaker; if you don't want to follow it then I can't help you. Drugs can be replaced, your life can't"

"Okay, I'll drop them"

"Ashley, people do some crazy shit. They won't ask questions, they'll fucking kill you" I nod my head signaling that I understand. "Next rule; don't give out any information besides your first name. Next rule don't trust what anybody says. If you didn't hear it from my own mouth it's bullshit. Next rule, be smart and look out for set ups. Nobody is who they seem. Next rule never leave the drugs with anyone, this includes Spencer" He doesn't have to explain why, sadly we both know the reasons. "Final rule, if something ever happens to me I want you to go to my place and look in the vhs cases in my room. I keep my emergency money in there, grab it all. I have a different plan for my baby mama and kid so it's set. This money is yours if I die"

"Sean…" I don't like hearing him talk like this.

"You grab that money and you get you and Spencer the fuck out of here. It should be enough to get you started at a new place, but you have to leave… got it?" I nod my head at his words and he stands up. "Come on we got business"

/

He gives me this address that's a few blocks away. He said he would watch my backpack and gave me an empty one. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't shitting my pants. Sean said he would work on getting me a gun, but said I should only use it as a last result. The neighborhood I end up in doesn't make me feel better about my lack of a gun.

"Hey snow bunny", a group of black guys yell from across the street. I close my eyes and pray for them to leave me alone. "Hey bitch where you going?" I keep my mouth shut and keep walking. I finally reach the apartments, but there are two black men in front of it. They look me up and down.

"I'm here to see DJ", my voice is firm. Sean told me to never let them know I'm scared.

"Who the fuck are you?" The guy on my left asks. He has a fitted cap on with black pants and a blue t-shirt.

"Ashley"

"Ashley who?" he asks.

"Ashley none of your fucking business" I stand up straighter and pull on the straps of my bag. "I work for Sean" A small smile graces his face.

"Oh shit, you with Sean? He's my cuz. You must be that girl he told me about. I'm Boz" He throws an arm around me and walks me to the front door. The guy that was next to him steps in our way. "Move Two Tone, she's Sean's people" Two Tone looks between us, making sure to stare me down. "Did you hear me? I said move bitch" He reluctantly moves away and I'm lead into the building.

We reach the apartment door and Boz opens the door nudging me in.

"Hey, you need to chill the fuck out. You can't be scared here", he whispers. Inside there is a bunch of people leaning over various tables. Boz drags me past them and we reach what I assume is a bedroom door. He knocks and a voice tells us to come in. "Wait here" I do as I'm told and Boz disappears into the room before reappearing five minutes later. "Where's the money?"

"Package", I motion to the brown package in his hand. He chuckles before handing it to me. I give him the money Sean gave me.

"Yeah, you'll be alright here"


	6. Chapter 6

**Song used in title is "Prayer of Saint Francis", by Sarah McLachlan**

**Chapter Five: Prayer of Saint Francis**

**Spencer's POV**

_O divine master grant that I may__  
__not so much seek to be consoled as to console;__  
__to be understood as to understand;__  
__To be loved as to love__  
__For it is in giving that we receive,__  
__it is in pardoning that we are pardoned.__  
__And it's in dying that we are born to eternal life.__  
__Amen._

When I was younger my mom took us to church every Sunday. She said it was important that we believe in something. She told us that even if we didn't believe in God, he would be there when we needed him.

Since my family died I haven't been near a church.

I wonder some days what she thinks when she watches my life. I wonder if she is rolling over in her grave.

I wonder if Glen still goes to church. If he still believes after what happened.

"Spencer there she is", Madison points to this girl who is sitting by herself in a booth. Aiden wants this particular girl for some reason; he's almost obsessed with her. Madison tried talking to her, but she just scared the girl off.

Now they want me to try.

We followed her into a Denny's where she has yet to order anything. I assume it's a money issue, Madison told me she's a runaway.

"Go get her", Madison pushes me lightly towards the girl. When I reach her she looks up at me. It's almost terrifying how much she reminds me of myself. She has long blonde hair and she's wearing black hoodie and jeans.

"Hey, do you mind if I sit here?" She doesn't say anything so I sit down anyway. "What's your name kid?"

"Sam", she says hesitantly.

"Well Sam how about you order anything you want? It's on me" She looks like I just told her Christmas is tomorrow.

The waitress comes by later and we order. Aiden gave me money to take of the bill so I don't worry. I can see Aiden and Madison watching us from the far end of the room.

"Where are your parents?" I ask.

"I ran away"

"Why?"

"Because they don't care about me" I almost laugh at her logic. "They keep forgetting about me and they are getting a divorce. They want me to choose" This girl has no idea how much I wish I was in her position. I want to tell her there are worse things out here. I want to tell her to go home right now so she'll never have to see who the true bad guys are. I want to tell her that there are people waiting to do horrible things to her.

I don't.

"I know a guy, he's a great guy" Our food comes and she practically inhales her burger. "He took care of me when I was your age" Aiden told me to say that. "He'll take care of you; give you a place to live. You'll have everything you've ever wanted"

"I don't know, my parents told me to never trust strange men"

"Are you talking about the same parents that have yet to come find you?"

"How do I know I can trust you?" You can't kid; I'm not a good person.

"Because I was your age once and I know how scary things are" I signal for Aiden and Madison to come over. They walk over to the booth and Madison sits next to me. Aiden sits beside the girl with an evil smirk on his face. "These are my friends… Aiden and Madison. They'll take care of you"

"Yeah kid, you're safe" Aiden runs his fingers through her hair and she looks visibly uncomfortable. She looks to me for confirmation, to know that this is okay.

"You can trust them", I tell her.

You can't trust anyone is what I wish I had said.

/

We get back to Aiden's place and the girl still appears scared. Madison tells me to stay downstairs with her. She grabs Aiden before he takes the girl upstairs.

"Don't get carried away", she warns. Aiden sneers and wraps an arm around the girl who is watching me the whole time. "Go on sweetie", Madison coaxes. "Just listen to what Aiden says" Sam looks at me again and I regretfully nod my head.

She walks up the stairs and I know she won't be the same when she gets back.

"Let's go do a couple of lines while we wait" We walk over to the living room and Madison lays everything out for us. She snorts and then motions for me to join. I keep looking up at the ceiling, straining to hear anything. "Don't worry… it gets easier with time" I shake my head and snort a line.

"SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE!" Madison and I both look towards the ceiling where the screaming is coming from.

"BITCH WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?" Aiden's voice booms.

"PLEASE… PLEASE…LET ME GO…" There is a thud on the floor and then no more screaming.

"Fucking hell Aiden", Madison grumbles before going upstairs. I follow behind her we reach Aiden's room and Madison knocks. Aiden slips out of the door half naked. There is sweat all over his body and scratch marks on his chest and neck. He blocks the opening of the door and his breathing is labored.

"What do you want?" He pants.

"What the fuck are you doing in there? We can hear her screaming bloody murder downstairs"

"Everything's fine" I try to peek into the room and all I see is a pair of legs on the floor. Aiden notices me looking and pulls the door closed.

"Like hell" Madison pushes past him and opens the door. I slip in after her and we both cover our mouths in horror. Sam is sprawled out on the floor in just her tank top and panties. There is blood coming from her nose.

I fucked up.

"Is she alive?" Madison asks Aiden.

"Yeah, she's just passed out" Madison goes over to the girl and checks her pulse.

"She's alive… damn it Aiden be more careful next time" Madison says those words as if this is normal. She says it like its okay that Aiden did this to a kid.

"I didn't sign up for this", I shake my head and head for the door. Aiden grabs me and throws me into a nearby wall.

"Yes you did and there is no backing out now" He leans towards me, making sure we are eye to eye. "There is no fucking backing out. You made your decision, now help Maddie clean the bitch up" Aiden leaves after that and it takes all I have in me not to fall to the floor and cry.

"Come on Spencer; help me get her into the bathtub"

If there is a God… I hope he forgives me for this.


	7. Chapter 7

**Yes, I know, it's been forever. I'm really sorry about the wait. First there was the whole anniversary of my godmother's death which always gets me down this time of year because she was literally my favorite person ever. Then my mom got upset that I didn't want to talk about it and I had my little outburst of why couldn't she let things be. After that we decided to celebrate her birthday with tequila which resulted in my aunt explaining how two women can get married and have kids so what was I waiting on. I explained to her that I'm kind of like a theme park. I'm something that's fun for a short period of time. Which is always my warning for women. Speaking of which I've also had about four people tell me my ex is engaged now and asking how do I feel. **

**Well seeing as though I wasn't going to marry her, I figure someone had to. My best friend says I'll end up like Barney from How I Met Your Mother and then there was a rant about how now her and her boyfriend won't have anyone to sit on the porch with. **

**Anyway I no longer have internet, cable, or a phone so posting requires extra effort. Times are shitty lately and now facebook and letters are my only form of communication.**

**Thanks for the reviews, I decided to update quite a few chapters. You may not like what happens though.**

**Chapter Six: Work**

**Ashley's POV**

_All I can say  
I shouldn't say  
Can we take a ride?  
Get out of this place  
While we still have time_

"Here is seven hundred" Sean places the money in my hand, but I don't take it right away.

"Is this how much you normally pay?" I can't help, but feel like he is over paying me.

"It's how much I'm paying you" I don't argue and put the money in my pocket. Sean pulls out a black 9mm and holds it out to me. "This is yours, use it…"

"When I have to", I finish for him. "I know Sean"

"Do you know how to use it?"

"Not exactly" He shows me how to load and unload the magazine. He even shows me how to put it on safety to avoid accidental fire. "Keep this on you at all times" Sean grabs my backpack and puts the gun inside. "So how much do you think you are going to need?"

"A few thousand, just to get us a place somewhere. I just need to figure out how to rent a place without an ID"

"I'll set it that up for you" I smile in appreciation. "You're not going to forget about me are you?" He says jokingly.

"Never, you'll always be my brother" I hold out my hand and he places his in mine and squeezes. We let go and continue to wait at the park for Spencer.

"I promise in a couple of weeks you'll know everything there is to know about surviving here" He throws a light punch at my shoulder. "You won't even need me after awhile"

"Don't be stupid"

"I plan on getting out eventually"

"Really?" Sean laughs at my apparent shock.

"Do you really think I want to live like this forever? I want to go to school, get my degree in film" I can completely see Sean working in movies. "What about you?"

"I want to be with Spencer"

"I mean like career wise Ash"

"I don't care what I do as long as I have Spencer" Sean shakes his head and smiles.

"You are so sprung" He scans the park. "Speaking of your girl" I look in the same direction and see a timid blonde heading our way. She has her arms wrapped around herself and her head is down.

"Something's wrong" I get up and walk towards her. When I get closer I see fresh tears running down her cheeks. "Spencer, what happened?" She unfolds her arms and I'm greeted with the sight of blood on her white wifebeater. She notices me looking and pulls her jacket closed. "Whose blood is that Spence?"

"No one", her voice cracks. My heart is thudding in my chest as I think of the possibilities. I feel like I can't breathe.

"Spence", I ask again. "Whose blood is that?" She shakes her head and attempts to push past me. I grab her arm and she tenses up. "I'm sorry" I snatch it back. She doesn't walk away so I pull her into a hug. She cries harder and mumbles something I can't here. "What Spence?" I pull away just enough to see her face.

"I fucked Aiden" My eyes well up with tears, but I attempt to shake it off.

"Why would you do that?"

"Because it's what I do Ash" She gazes into my eyes. Spencer used to have the brightest blue eyes I've ever seen, but eventually they became dull. I notice this now and I can't stop the tears from falling. "I hurt people, I get them hurt. I'm a fuck up"

"No you're not", my voice betrays me… breaking at the wrong time. "I love you" Spencer grabs her head, shaking it.

"No…no…no…no…no" She pushes me violently and I fall on my ass. "Stop! Stop fucking saying that!" Sean comes over and helps me up. My eyes never leave Spencer's shaking form.

"Hey Spencer, calm down", he attempts to soothe her. She runs her hands through her hair and looks at me.

It's almost scary how empty she looks.

She takes off running, but I'm quick to follow her. I'll always follow her no matter what. No matter how lost she gets, I'll still find her.

I'm faster than her and I figure she forgot that detail. I catch her in no time, grabbing her and pulling her to the ground with me. I climb on top of her and hold her down.

"Let me go Ashley", she begs. She struggles to get free, but I won't let her. When she realizes I won't let her go she starts to cry again.

"Whatever happened… doesn't change that I love you"

"I wish you wouldn't" She turns her head, no longer looking me in the eyes. "Are you really going to get us out of here?"

"Even if it kills me" I mean it, no matter what happens, I'll make sure Spencer gets out. "I don't care if you fucked Aiden" She chuckles because she knows I'm lying. "I'm serious Spencer, sex is just sex. I'm not after that, I want what's in here" I press my hand against her chest.

"That's what scares me"

/

As the days pass I do more and more runs for Sean. So far I've saved up close to five thousand, I think once I hit ten we'll be good. Me and Spencer will finally be able to get out of here. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a skip in my step at the thought. Spencer never did tell me what happened, but she did start spending less time with Madison and Aiden.

That put my mind at ease.

Now that I have more money I got Sean to put a motel in his name for me. Spencer stays there most days, just lying in bed. I'm torn in between being worried about her unusual behavior and just being glad I always know where she is.

"Can I ask why you're doing this?" Boz asks before he hands over the usual brown package. I stuff it in my backpack and zip my bag up.

"It's for a girl" He chuckles and shakes his head.

"Isn't it always?" I laugh and start making my way out of the apartment building. I run into Two Tone on my way out.

"So you work for Aiden?" I try to go around him, but he steps in my way again. "You heard me snow bitch" Something tells me not to answer his question.

"That's not my name"

"Oh right, your name is Ashley" I try to get past him, but his next words stop me in my tracks. "Ashley with the pretty blonde friend right?" I storm up to him, trying my best to appear intimidating.

"Leave her out of this" He sneers and it causes a chill to run through my bones.

"Pretty little Spencer…the addict" I shove him and he steps back before reaching into his waistband.

"Two Tone!" I hear Boz and I feel instantly relieved. "What the fuck are you doing man?" He steps in between us.

"Nothing Boz" Two Tone backs off. "I was just seeing if she needed someone to walk her home"

"You good Ash?" Boz looks at me and I just nod my head. "Go on home"

I don't have to be told twice.

I start power walking back to Sean.

/

"He fucking knew who Spencer was Sean" I pace in front of him as he eats his food. I found him at the taco truck waiting. "What if he does something to her?"

"Nothing is going to happen to Spencer" He takes a napkin and wipes his mouth, throwing it on his plate. I don't know how he can be so calm about this. "You probably don't have long left"

"How do you think he knows Spencer?"

"Is she still doing drugs?" I think back to Spencer's current state. How she just lays in bed all day.

"I don't think so, she rarely leaves the room"

"I'd check up on her if I was you"

As soon as the words leave his mouth I'm racing back to the motel.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Seven: Sleep**

**Spencer's POV**

_Fill these spaces up with days__  
__In my room you can go you can stay__  
__I can't sleep__  
__I can't speak to you__  
__I can't sleep_

I feel like I'm dying or maybe I already died, maybe Aiden killed me back in that room.

Oh god… that room.

She woke up… she tried to leave… I really wish she didn't.

"_Where are you going you little bitch?" Aiden snatches Sam by the hair and punches her repeatedly in the face._

"_Stop it!" Madison yells. "You'll kill her!"_

I try to shake the image out of my head, I can't go back there. I pull the covers over my head and squeeze my eyes shut.

"_Please…help me", Sam gurgles. _

"I can't… I can't…I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry" I couldn't help her, but Madison did. She made Aiden stop… she took care of Sam while I just watched.

"_It gets easier Spence", she says while using a towel to clean up the young girl._

"_What if she tells?" I whimper. Madison scoffs at my words._

"_They never do… for some reason they never tell…never leave" She glances at me. "I didn't"_

I'm slowly losing my mind, I can feel it. This motel room is suffocating me. I need the white powder I've been craving all day.

I need Ashley.

I need something… anything to get the sound of Sam's cries out of my head.

"_PLEASE!"_

"When I was just…a little girl" My tears create a tiny wet spot on the sheets. "I asked my mother what will I be…", I continue singing. I continue trying to push away the images. "Will I be pretty…" I sniff and wipe at my nose. "Will I be rich… here's what she said to me. Que Sera…sera…whatever will be will be…the future's not ours…to…"

"Spence" I didn't even hear Ashley come in. The bed dips and soon the covers are pulled down. Ashley watches me with a pained expression. "Spencer…" I whimper when she strokes my hair.

"Que…sera…sera…", I whisper.

"Spencer… just tell me what to do and I'll do it"

Kill me.

Ashley climbs under the covers and tangles herself into me. She uses her thumb to stroke my tears away. I hate making her worry, but I honestly can't talk to her. She scoots her face closer and kisses away one of my tears.

"I love you Spencer"

I know Ashley, please believe I know.

"I got more money, we're almost set to go", she seems enthusiastic. I should be just as excited, but I know Aiden won't let me leave.

He'll never let me go.

I don't deserve to live happily ever after with Ashley after what I did. At the same time, she doesn't deserve the pain of losing me. I bury my head underneath her neck and peck the area there. I hear the sharp intake of breath leave her lips. I'm tempted to kiss her, fully kiss her. I'm tempted to finally go there with Ashley, just to see if it's possible for me to feel anything. I run my fingers across her stomach and slip my hand under her shirt. She stops me immediately and pulls away, getting out of the bed in the process. She stands up and paces the room.

"I told you I don't want that Spencer. I don't want sex from you. I want a home, kids, you to be my wife" She gestures to me. "I want the Spencer I know you can be, not this empty druggie", she covers her mouth.

Its okay, I want to tell her. We both know what I am.

"Spencer… I just mean…" I don't give her time to explain. I turn over and face away from her. The bed dips and she places a tender hand on my shoulder. "I just want you to be okay"

It takes ten minutes of silence on my end for her to give up and leave.

It takes thirty for there to be a knock at the door.

I know who it is so I wait for them to come in. Sure enough Madison cracks the door open and looks inside.

"I thought you would like to know that she's okay", she says. She walks in and sits in the empty spot by my legs. "Aiden knows this guy who owes him money, he's a doctor. He came and looked at her. He said at the most it's just bruising"

"She could have died"

"Spencer, I wouldn't have suggested you work with me if I knew how sensitive you would be"

"Excuse me for not being giddy at the thought of bashing in little girl's heads"

"He loses it sometimes, that's why we always tell the girls to just corporate. It's her fault for not listening to him" I scoff at the comment and the next thing I know the covers are being snatched from me. "Look here Spencer, you need to get your shit together. Aiden sent me here because you have work to do tonight"

"I'm not doing it"

"You don't have a choice" I glance at the door to see Aiden. He is glaring at me, letting me know that this won't end well if I resist.

"I'm not doing" I don't tell them it's because I can't. I can't send another person to this monster.

"And I said you didn't have a choice" He marches towards the bed. I attempt to climb off of it, but he grabs me. "If you fucking move I'll break your fucking face" That stills my actions.

Not for me, but for Ashley.

If something happened to me Ashley would hunt Aiden down. I know she would try to hurt Aiden and die in the process.

"Let's go" He squeezes my arm to a painful degree and drags me out of the motel. We reach his car and he shoves me towards the backseat. "Get in" I look at Madison and she just nods her head.

/

"You see that girl over there?" He points to this younger girl who appears to be working this corner. "I want her"

"So", I sigh. He grabs my arm again and I wince in pain.

"So you fucking smartass, make it happen" He shoves me in her direction. I cross the street and come across a raven haired girl. She looks me up and down cautiously.

"Hey"

"Hey", she responds hesitantly.

"What are you doing here all by yourself?"

"I ran away from home"

"_SOMEBODY HELP ME!"_

I shake the image of Sam from my head and focus on the task at hand.

"What's your name kid?"

"Faith"

"_PLEASE!"_

"Are you okay?" Faith asks when I shake my head again.

"_WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING BITCH!"_

"Yeah… I'm fine" I add a fake smile to put her at ease. "I know a guy… he'll take care of you"

"How do I know I can trust you?"

"_How do I know I can trust you?"_

"Because I was your age once, I know how scary it can be" She shifts from foot to foot. "You can trust me, I promise" She looks up at me and that's when I see it.

She's giving in and that's one more stamp on my ticket to hell.

I hear a voice coming closer. Faith and I look to see this brunette holding a picture up and showing it to people.

"Have you seen either of these girls?" The girl shows the picture to some random guys and they shake their head.

If she's smart she'll stop looking.

"Who do you think she's looking for?" Faith asks. We don't have to wait long until the young brunette meets our gaze, or rather my gaze. She looks down at the picture and then back at me.

"Hey… hey you", she yells at me. She comes closer and I swear I feel like I've seen her somewhere before.

The dark brown hair.

The chocolate eyes.

"You" She finally reaches us and Faith makes a run for it. The brunette watches her go, confusion all over her face. She shakes her head and looks at me. "You know this girl" It's not a question, it's an accusation. She holds up a picture and I swear I can't breathe.

It's me and Ashley at our usual dining place. She's pointing to Ashley, my Ashley.

"Where did you get that?" I start walking backwards. She takes a step forward for everyone I take back.

"My name is Kyla and I have spent a lot of time and money trying to find this girl" What does she want with Ashley? "I hired four private investigators and after three years they came up with this"

"Why are you looking for her?" She looks down at the picture and traces Ashley's face. A rush a jealousy flows through my veins.

"I'm her…"

"Who the fuck are you?" Aiden steps in between us.

"I'm…" I shake my head frantically and she notices. "Diana"

"Well…Diana… I think you are in the wrong place"

"I was just asking for directions" She's smart. She gets that this isn't the time for honesty. I mouth the word "run" to her. She doesn't though, she just watches me with a pained expression.

"Do you have them?" Aiden wraps an arm around me. He grips my arm with his hand and I have to force myself not to cry.

"She has them, let's go Aiden", I interrupt. He's still staring at her and the picture in her hand. I can't let him see it.

"What is…?" I silence him with a kiss. I squeeze my eyes shut and kiss him as if he was Ashley. It doesn't take long for him to get into it. He finally pulls away, his eyes dark with lust. "Let's go back to my place" I nod my head and kiss him again.

"Go to Madison, I promise I'll catch up" He looks hesitant at first, so I throw a seductive smile at him.

"Sure… maybe she'll join"

Fuck my life.

"Yeah, sounds great" He heads back towards Madison and I look at Kyla. "It's not safe for you out here"

"I could say the same to you"

"I have a better chance than you do" She raises her eyebrow and I'm brought back to the many times I've seen Ashley do that same thing.

"I really need to find her"

"What's your number?" She digs in her pocket and fishes out a receipt and a pen. She scribbles down the digits and places it in my hands.

"Make sure she gets that" I don't say anything. I don't want to make promises I can't keep. I walk away and head back to where Aiden and Maddie are waiting.

She's still watching me when I look back.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Eight: Down Here, Up There**

**Sean's POV**

_Lately it's been hell  
Keeping my black ass from coming up there  
So I'm thankful everyday and pray my enemies  
Don't roll up on me and send me kicking and screaming up there_

Everything I've ever done in my life was for my son.

Jonathan is my life; as soon as he was born I said I would do whatever it took to make sure he would have everything he needs. I never wanted him to want for anything. I told myself I would never be a deadbeat like my father. My son would have someone to teach him how to be a man.

Because little boys need that, they need guidance.

This is why I always treat Chelsea, my son's mom, with respect. I don't want us to be the type of parents that fight over every little thing. It's not hard, I still love Chelsea. She was my first girlfriend and vice versa. After she got pregnant we tried to work it out, but she didn't agree with my lifestyle. I told her after I get enough money, I'll get out. Ashley's determination had motivated me even more.

"Daddy" I walk up to Chelsea's mom's house to see my little boy through the screen. She still goes to school so her mom watches Jonathan for her when he isn't at daycare. Chelsea appears and opens the screen door for me. Jonathan flies into my arms. "Daddy I missed you"

"I missed you too little man" I pick him up and peck Chelsea on the cheek. "You look good" She laughs and walks into the house. She starts straightening up the living room.

"I look like shit, it's okay" I follow in behind her with Jonathan in my arms.

"I still say you look beautiful" I bounce Jonathan up and down. "Doesn't Mommy look beautiful?"

"Mommy you look beautiful" Chelsea beams and I set Jonathan down.

"Go to your room for a second" He listens and rushes off to his room. We've done this enough times. "Here" I reach in my pocket and pull out a wad of cash. She looks at it curiously.

"Why so much?" I knew she wouldn't just take it. She isn't like other mothers; she only takes what she needs.

"It's time" She freezes.

"How do you know?"

"I can feel it" She gazes up at me with tears rimming her eyes. I know this is her worst fear, but I can't lie to her.

"Let's go…" She starts rushing through the house and before I know it there is a duffle bag in her hand. She runs to Jonathan's room and grabs some clothes. In the middle of her throwing things into the bag I still her movements.

"Chelsea…Baby…" A tear hits my hand and I hear her quiet sobs. "You know I can't leave"

"Why?" She chokes out.

"I need to make sure Ashley gets out" She stares incredulously at me.

"What about Jay? What about me?" She shoves the bag away. "All over some white girl?"

"She's like my little sister Chels" I've talked to her about Ashley before. "I can't leave her hanging when she needs me most. I know you and Jay will be okay, I've been working hard to make sure of that… but Ashley, she stills direction"

Chelsea isn't heartless. She was the one who told me to take care of Ashley to begin with. The first day I met the girl I told Chelsea and she said it was a sign from God. That I was meant to watch out for this girl.

"I love you Sean" I can't help, but smile. She still has the same affect she had when we were dating.

"I love you too" We hug and it turns into a kissing. She cups my face and tries to pull me more into her. I pull away from her and rest my head against hers. "You know what to do?" She nods her head, but I wait for her to reiterate the plan.

"Pack necessities only, get Jay and my mom, go to your safety deposit box, take everything out of it, drive to the new place, don't tell anyone where I am" I nod my head satisfied.

"I'll help you"

/

After everything is packed and in the car I go in the house towards Jonathan's room.

"Hey buddy" He's sitting on his bed playing with his army man. I remember buying that when he was born. I take a seat next to him. "Daddy needs to talk to you"

"Okay Daddy" He looks up at me. I swear he looks more like Chelsea than me. He has dark brown eyes and her smile. Chelsea says he has my hair, but I usually cut his hair.

"You and Mommy are going to be leaving with Grandma soon"

"Where are we going?"

"To a nice new house"

"Are you coming too?" I shake my head and he climbs into my lap. "Come with us Daddy"

"I can't" I keep telling myself not to cry, don't cry. "But I want you to take care of your mom. Take care of your grandma too. Listen to everything they tell you"

"Okay"

"I love you Jay"

"I love you too Daddy" He doesn't get what I'm really saying, but he'll know something is up. I pick him up and take him to the car, putting him in his seat. He hands me his toy, but I shake my head.

"You keep it" I lean in and kiss his head. Chelsea is behind me when I turn around. She hugs me tightly telling me she loves me repeatedly. "I love you too Chels"

I want to tell her I'm scared, that I don't want to die.

"I know Baby… I know…" I lean on her shoulder and she sways us side to side.

I don't have to say anything, she already knows.

/

You would think its easier knowing when you are going to die.

It's not.

I can smell a set up. It's something I've picked up along the way. I'm supposed to be meeting Ashley. There has been someone following me for the last few blocks.

It's one of Aiden's boys. He's one cold motherfucker.

I'm not leading them to Ashley though, that's why it was important for me not to leave. If I did they would get Ashley right away. I walk around, enjoying my last few steps. I walk into an empty alley and I hear more steps behind me.

"I should have known you were stalling" I turn around to see Two Tone, one of the guys that knows my cousin Boz.

I never trusted that asshole.

"What can I say? I never go down easy" He sneers and a couple of guys pop up behind him. "So what is it? What did I do?"

"Taking business from Aiden, helping the brunette, either way he isn't happy"

"And here I thought we were family" I see him reach behind his back and I reach into my waistband. We both hold our guns facing each other. "You may get me, but I'm taking someone with me"

He smiles and shots are fired.

The last thing I see is Chelsea and Jonathan.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Nine: Like Toy Soldiers**

**Ashley's POV**

_Step by step  
Heart to heart  
Left right left  
We all fall down like toy soldiers  
Bit by bit  
Torn apart  
We never win  
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers_

I heard the shots and I ran.

I couldn't even tell you how I knew it was Sean, but I did. I didn't leave my bag, I carried it with me. My feet carry me to where the sound came from. I skid to a stop and the entrance of the alley and peek around the corner.

That's when I see Two Tone.

He's standing over a body; there is another one behind him. I know immediately that one of those bodies is Sean's.

"Punk ass bitch", he says before kicking the body in front of him. I want to run out there and kill him, but I stay put. They make their way out of the alley and I hide. As soon as they are out of sight I run to Sean's body, jumping over another in the process.

He was shot four times.

I drop to my knees in front of him, pulling his head into my lap.

Every breath I take feels strained. I keep closing my eyes and opening them, wishing this moment away.

"Sean" Tears make their way down my cheeks and onto Sean's body. My heart feels like someone is squeezing it.

This can't be happening…not to Sean.

Not to my brother.

I move my bag off of my shoulders and lay down on the cold ground next to him. I move his gun away from us and lie partially on top of him. I don't care when the blood soaks my own clothes, I just want to lay here.

"_Why is that even a question? You're like my little sister Ash", He throws an arm around my shoulder. "I fucking love you kid", he jokes._

"I love you", I mummer into his shirt.

I've never lost someone I truly care about before.

My mom left me, but she made a choice. I never knew who my real father was and the only other person I had was Spencer.

I get it now.

I get where Spencer is coming from because she lost a whole family. Everyone she truly loved with the exception of Glen is gone. Heaven only knows where he is at this point in time.

But the main thing is I get it.

Because lying next to Sean, I'm feeling more broken than I've ever felt in my life.

It's funny how oblivious other people can be here. I'm lying in this dirty alley, watching people walk by and not one person looks in this direction. If they did look they obviously didn't care.

Not one person realizes that the best guy in the world is lying dead.

I don't call for help, he's beyond that point. After I don't know how long I get up and place a kiss on his forehead.

"Thank you", I whisper in his ear.

I grab his gun and place it in my bag.

I don't want the police thinking this was just some gang member who got what they deserve. I search for his wallet and find a picture of his son and his son's mother. I pull it out and put his wallet back in his pocket. I search my bag for a pen and finally find one. I flip the picture over and scribble on the back;

_He was a father._

Because that's what it all boils down to in the end.

Nothing more… nothing less.

I grab my bag and throw it over my shoulder.

"I'm going to keep my promise" Are the last words I say to him. I hope somehow he hears me. I walk over to a nearby pay phone and call 911. A woman picks up and asks for my emergency. "A man's been shot"

I hang up the phone without another word.

/

Spencer's not in the room when I get to the motel.

I gather her things and place them in her bag. I pay our bill and head towards Aiden's place. There I can get Spencer and the money from Sean's room. It takes me nearly an hour, but I reach his house. I thank God when I see none of his goons are around. I look into one of the windows and see Spencer curled into herself on the couch. I knock a few times and she looks over at me. She gestures to the front door and when I walk over to it she is already in the doorway.

"Jesus Ashley, what happened?" I look down at myself and realize I'm still covered in Sean's blood. That explains why the motel manager was in such a rush to get me out.

"Sean's dead", I respond emotionlessly. Spencer's mouth hangs open and she looks as though she may cry. "We have to leave tonight" I try to push past her into the house, but she pulls me into a hug. I immediately shrug her off and she appears hurt. "Hold me when it's over" She nods her head, knowing that I don't want to break down now. "Where's Aiden?"

"He went with Madison to take care of a few things"

"Perfect, we need to hurry" I rush into the house and Spencer follows me to Sean's room.

Don't cry, I remind myself when I see his stuff.

I tear through the movie cases and find the money inside a Player's Club case. There are four wads of twenties neatly placed inside of it. I stuff the money in my bag and see a note at the bottom.

I'll read it later.

"What's going on?" Spencer asks.

"Sean left us some money, but we have to get out of here now" Spencer runs her fingers through her hair and runs out of the room. I follow behind her as she runs upstairs to a random room. She's already inside and when I get to the door I see her leaning over a bed. Inside the bed is a young girl with bruises all over her face.

"Come on… you have to get out of here" Spencer is frantic as she helps the girl sit up. "I lied to you, these are bad people and whatever they tell you is a lie. You need to go home; whatever is happening at home isn't as bad as what's out here"

"But you said…", the girl starts. Spencer shakes her head and tears are flowing from her eyes.

"I lied… I'm a bad person, but I'm going to fix it okay? Me and my friend Ashley are going to drop you off at a police station" She cups the young girls face and stares into her eyes. "This life isn't for you… save yourself. Go to school and graduate. Go to college and fall in love and all of that stuff you read about in the corny movies. You hear me?" The girl nods her head and my heart breaks.

Because it's too late for me and Spencer to have these things.

/

I'm waiting with Spencer nearby the police station. Spencer gave me her jacket to cover up most of the blood. I'm leaning against a wall serving as a lookout.

Spencer is talking to the girl, who I found out is named Sam.

"I'm so sorry" It's the tenth time Spencer has said it to the girl. I don't know the whole story, but Spencer rarely apologizes. That alone should tell me something. Sam doesn't say anything; she silently walks in the direction of the station.

"Wait here" I say to Spencer. "Hey kid" She stops walking and turns to face me. "We've been homeless for four years. My life has always been fucked up, but Spencer… she used to be normal. She had a mom, dad, and two brothers" The girl just continues to look at me. "She had a loving family and then one day… she didn't" She doesn't need the details, their not mine to share. "I'm not trying to justify what she did to you. I just want you to know she wasn't always like this and she's trying to fix it"

"Whatever"

"No… not whatever. Whether you see it or not she's saving you"

"I was fine before she came along"

"No you weren't" I protest. "This…" I gesture around us. "This is not a life for a kid. You should be at home with your parents"

"They're getting divorced!" She yells.

"SO FUCKING WHAT!" I lower my voice when I realize Spencer can hear us. "My best friend was murdered tonight... "She lowers her head shamefully. "His son is never going to see him again and you're upset because you'll have to split your time between two parents?" I shake my head and stare walking backwards. "Kid… I wish I had your problems" I turn around and walk back to Spencer. She's watching me with worried eyes.

"Do you think she'll forgive me?" I don't answer Spencer's question. I press a soft kiss to her forehead.

"Let's get out of here"

/

I buy us two Amtrak tickets to Sacramento. I figure it's far enough away for us to figure out a plan. On the bus Spencer falls asleep immediately, laying her head on my shoulder. I place one of our blankets over us. The bus isn't full and the driver turns off the lights. I remember Sean's letter and turn on our overhead light.

Spencer stirs in her sleep so I make sure to read the note quickly.

_What up lil sis?_

_I know you may be hurting right now, hell I was hoping this day would never come, but it did. We both have to face it. I want you to know that your determination for Spencer gave me hope. I've seen people do a lot of crazy things. But I've never in my life seen someone so devoted, like you are with Spencer. The first day we met when I saw you ready to die protecting her, I thought…this girl is something special. Ever since that day I've been proud to know you. I've been ready to do whatever it takes to help you. It's the reason why I didn't run when you told me about Two Tone. I knew what was up and I couldn't let you down. So don't let me down and get Spencer away like you promised. I love you kid, you are blood in my eyes._

_P.S. She loves you too, even if she hasn't said anything yet._

I fold the paper up and turn off the light. Spencer moves the blanket to cover me fully and snuggles into me. I let our seats back as far as they can go, which isn't much. Spencer and I face each other, despite the darkness. We don't say anything and soon her lips are on mine. There is no making out or confessions of undying love. It's just her lips on mine.

Nothing more… nothing less.


	11. Chapter 11

**Sorry for the delay, but on the bright side I've written a few chapters so I'll update every two days. Now I warn you that this chapter will not make many happy campers, but I promise it will get better as things go. Thank you for the reviews everyone. Isebella.E I'm glad that you like my other stories, I'm feeling slightly special now. Everyone's reviews really help with my motivation and I'd thank you all personally, but I'm running out of time with the internet. So thanks again.**

**The title is from the song 23 by jimmy eat world.**

**Hope you enjoy**

**Chapter Eleven: 23**

**Spencer's POV**

_It was my turn to decide  
I knew this was our time  
No one else will have me like you do  
No one else with have me, only you_

I've always been one to trust my instincts.

So when the bus driver gave us this bullshit reason for why we had to stop I knew. I knew Aiden had something to do with it. I knew it would be a matter of time before he found us.

Before he found Ashley.

Just thinking of what Aiden might do to her causes my stomach to twist violently. It hasn't dawned on Ashley, the idea that this is all set up.

See that's the good thing about not trusting anyone.

Sometimes you get it right.

Ashley's inside sleeping, she's really tired. I didn't even get to explain the whole story to her when she woke up. As soon as we got our rooms she crashed again. She bought a white shirt from one of the gas stations. It's not flattering, but at least she got rid of that tshirt.

All that blood…

I decided to come outside for some fresh air and that's when I saw it. I would know that car anywhere. I would know that driver anywhere. I don't react, not wanting him to know I see him.

I can't let him get to Ashley.

I have to keep her safe, if nothing else. She's been protecting me for too long and I won't let her die for me.

I'm not worth it.

I stick my hand in my back pocket and that's when I feel the paper. I remember Kyla, the strange brunette that looks like Ashley. The girl who is currently looking for her, who could take Ashley away from this.

I walk around looking for a payphone. Thankfully I find a phone booth and step inside of it. I close the door, positive that Aiden is watching me the whole time. I know this flimsy glass door won't stop him, but it provides some privacy. I have some change left in my pocket and I use it to dial the number.

A female voice picks up on the first ring.

"_Hello"_

"What are you to her?"

"_Who is this?"_

"To Ashley…what are you to Ashley?" I hold the receiver as close as possible to make sure I don't miss a word. She must realize who this is because she sighs.

"_I'm her sister. My dad is her father" _I release the breath I've been holding.

There it is…Ashley has a family.

"_Do you know where she is?" _I nod my head, but realize she can't see me.

"Bakersfield at a Days Inn near the freeway" I feel a tear make its way down my cheek. "Promise me you'll take care of her"

"_Of course…hey I"_

"There are people trying to kill her out here. People that will kill her and she'll let them for me. She'll die for me and I can't let that happen okay?" The tears are coming faster and I know soon I won't be able to speak soon. "So you have to come now…right now"

"_Okay…"_ She sounds remorseful which makes me think I sound pitiful.

"She'll be locked in the bathroom of number eighteen"

"_You can come with us. I can save you too"_

"It's too late for me" I hang up the phone immediately after and step out of the booth. It feels colder outside than it did before. I try to keep my emotions in check so I don't worry Ashley. She's still asleep when I get to the room. Her whole body is sprawled out on the bed and I survey the room for something to help with my plan. I note the chair that's in the corner by the miniature table.

As quietly as possible I go through Ashley's bag and spot her gun. I go to the bathroom and place the gun behind the toilet.

Ashley isn't going to take this well.

I head over to the bed and lie down next to her. She stirs slightly as I caress her cheek. Slowly her eyes flutter open and I throw her a soft smile.

"Hey you", she greets me in her raspy voice. I don't respond with words, instead I lean in and kiss her. She seems hesitant so I become more persistent in my kissing. I run my tongue across her lips and she finally opens up. I waste no time and soon I'm straddling her, kissing her how I wish I would have sooner. I pull away and she looks up confused.

"I want to…uh…take a shower" She raises her eyebrows, still not understanding. "I was wondering…do you want to take one with me?"

"Spencer… I think"

"Nothing sexual, I just want you with me" I look down so she won't see the tears that I know are coming.

"Okay Spence"

"Will you go run the water for me?" She nods her head and gets out of the bed. After a few minutes I hear the water run.

God Ash… I hope you forgive me.

I walk over to the chair in the corner and drag it with me towards the bathroom. I shut the door as quietly as possible and shove the chair under the doorknob. It starts to twist and it's not long before the twisting becomes frantic.

"Spence!" she yells. "Spencer the door is stuck" I finally let the tears fall and I press my hand against the door.

"Ashley…"

"Spencer, open the door!"

"You have to listen to me okay"

"Spence!"

"You have a sister named Kyla" She starts banging on the door. "Your dad has a daughter and they are looking for you. Your sister found me and she's looking for you"

"Spencer, why are you telling me this?"

"You need something solid in your life Ash" I slide down the door, crying more than I did when my parents died. "You need someone that's not me Ash…I'm no good for you" She bangs on the door and it causes me to jump.

"Spence…" she begs. Her desperate pleas rip through my heart. "I just want to be with you" I lean my ear against the door knowing that Ashley is doing the same. "Please…just let me be with you. I don't care if I have a sister…you're my family Spence"

"I can't…I can't do this"

"Spencer" Her bangs grow more and more violent. She's yelling obscenities, but I don't acknowledge them. I need to tell her everything before Aiden comes.

"Aiden's here, he's here for us. If he sees you I know he'll kill you Ash and I could never live with myself if he did. I put a gun in there with you so if anybody who isn't Kyla comes…you kill them. You hear me Ash? You fucking kill them"

"Spence, he'll kill you!"

"No, he won't"

But I'm sure he'll make me wish I was dead.

I hear violent sobs from the other side of the door.

"You will only be in there for a couple of hours. Just promise me something?" She doesn't say anything, but I know she's listening. "Don't come looking for me" I stand up and kiss my fingers before placing them on the door. "Goodbye Ashley"

"SPENCER!" She starts banging again and I grab my bag before walking out of the room. I leave the motel key on the floor in front of the door. I spot Aiden and Madison waiting outside of his car. I walk over to them cautiously.

"Where's Ashley?"

"She left" Aiden doesn't believe me; I can see it on his face. "I told her I couldn't love her" He looks at Madison and then back to me. He lifts his hand and slaps me hard across my face. I can taste blood from my lips.

"If you ever try anything like that again…I'll fucking kill you" His words are like venom. He snatches me by my hair and throws me into the car. "Made me waste fucking gas to come and get you", he mumbles.

I stare out of the window at the motel room that I know holds a heartbroken brunette.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve: Who Knew**

**Ashley's POV**

_If someone said  
Three years from now  
You'd be long gone  
I'd stand up  
and punch them out  
Cause their all wrong_

"If you had any courage, you would pull the trigger"

I talk to myself in the mirror of this bathroom. I can't tell you how long my finger has been on the trigger, gun pressed firmly against my temple.

"Do it you fucking coward!" I yell at myself, attempting to urge myself on. "Spencer fucking left you! What are you waiting on? You fucking have nothing!" My face is hot from rage. Spencer left, Spencer's gone. I thought… I thought she was ready to love me and she just let me go. She locked me in here and I never got to see her walk away.

She left and I can't wrap my mind around that concept. I can't fathom the idea of me without Spencer.

I won't.

"You have to pull the trigger", I say in a calm voice to myself. "You failed…you failed her and Sean" I about to squeeze the trigger, but back out last minute. "Fucking coward" I hit the mirror with the butt of the gun. The glass shatters into the sink and that's when I get my idea.

I take one of the shards and rack my mind for the quote Maddie used. She would tell us stories about girls that would try to kill themselves. She would always say how they did it wrong, how it was across the stream, not down the river. Or was it the other way around?

I take a breath and drag the shard across my left wrist, and then I do the other. This is easy, I keep repeating to myself. I close my eyes and picture Spencer.

I picture her smirk, the way she bites her lip. I replay our kiss in my head and eventually my eyes start to feel heavy.

And I picture a better ending to our story.

/

My eyelids slowly flutter open, only to be met with an extremely bright white room. I realize I'm in a hospital.

I'm alive… I'm alive…

Fuck… I'm alive…

It was down the river, I remember that now. I'm so fucking dumb; I can't even kill myself correctly.

There is a stirring beside me and I furrow my eyebrows in confusion. It's a girl, a girl that's not Spencer. She's a brunette and she appears to be around my age. Her arm is around my stomach as she lies on the hospital bed next to me.

Um…Hello…Who are you?

"Miss Davies, you're awake" A tall, dark haired man walks in. He's holding a chart so it's safe to say he's my doctor. The brunette next to me wakes up. She stares up at me with a smile on her face.

"You're okay", she says softly. I look down to where her arm is around me. She follows my line of sight and removes it immediately. "I was worried"

"Yeah, your sister here saved you" Sister? "She never left your side. Even your dad came to visit", the doctor adds.

"_You have a sister named Kyla"_

"Kyla?" She nods her head. She's the girl that Spencer was talking about.

"I found you, your wrists…" She doesn't finish. Kyla looks at the doctor. "Can she come home now?"

Home? I don't have a home.

"Can I speak with you outside?" Kyla nods her head and gives me a reassuring smile before leaving with the doctor.

I gaze at the ceiling and wonder what Twilight Zone I stepped into.

Who was this girl? Where did she come from? Who the hell is my father?

Why isn't Spencer here?

"The doctor says we can take you home in two days", Kyla states from the doorway.

Your dad… your home… I want to say. I don't even know you.

"There are a few stipulations"

I'm embarrassed that I don't know what that word means. I stopped going to school at twelve and even before then I never went regularly. My mom didn't want people to notice my bruises. She didn't want to risk me telling anyone our situation.

Spencer knew this. I didn't have to tell her, she just figured it out. She made it her personal mission to make sure no one would ever call me stupid. Sometimes we would go to bookstores and she would read to me. Because of her nobody has ever doubted my intelligence.

Kyla must realize that I don't know what she's talking about.

"They have rules" I don't say anything so she continues. "Like you have to see a therapist you are on suicide watch. We're not supposed to leave you alone. Stuff like that…"

"So next time I try to kill myself I'll have an audience" Kyla frowns and I almost laugh. I barely know her and she's acting like we've known each other forever.

"That's not funny"

"Believe me that's the only funny thing about this situation" There is a pregnant silence between us.

"Why'd you do it?" Her voice is timid and curious. I can't stare at her any longer so I turn to the window on my right. "Is it because of that girl? Spencer?"

"How do you know her name?"

"You kept mumbling it when I found you" Her voice sounds closer now. "There is nobody worth killing yourself over"

I don't respond because she doesn't know. She doesn't know that I'm shit without Spencer.

"Ashley…"

"What?"

"Talk to me. Please explain to me why the sister I've been dying to get to know tried to kill herself" I shake my head with a mock laugh.

"She is everything" is the only explanation I offer. Kyla doesn't say anything so I chance a glance in her direction. She is fidgeting, wringing her hands together.

"Do you know how to play Speed?"

/

"I win again", I smirk. Kyla throws her cards down on the table I use for my dinners.

"This isn't fair. I taught you how to play" She pouts and I chuckle.

"What can I say? I'm a fast learner"

"Okay, give me one last chance"

"It's not like I'm going anywhere" She looks up at me and provides a small smile before dealing the cards.

In the hour that we've been playing this game I've gotten to know a little bit about Kyla. She's a senior in high school. Apparently after my mom left my dad, her mom met him. So I'm only a couple of months older than her. Her mom died of cancer when she was fourteen so it's her and Raife (the name of our father). She said he's in a rock band that was popular in the eighties and just made a huge comeback so he's touring constantly. She told me he's a good dad nonetheless.

Finally she told me that the only reason she knew about me was because of my mother. She overdosed, but left a note beforehand telling Raife about me. She said she was sorry that she never told him about me. After that Raife and Kyla started looking for me.

"So she's really dead?" Kyla glances up during our game. She knows I'm talking about my mother.

"Yeah" I place a card down and Kyla gets back into the game.

"_Ashley, sweetie, mommy is going to go out, but she will be right back" I watch the sweat on her face, the way she's shaking while she's talking._

"_Where are you going?" I gaze around the room at all these strange people. I don't want her to go, I'm scared. What if He finds me here and she's gone?_

"_I'm going to get you a birthday cake" I smile wildly._

"_A chocolate one? With my name and candles and everything?" It's okay if she leaves to go do that. I really want a birthday cake, I never got one when we lived with Him._

"_Yeah baby. It's going to be beautiful. You'll love it" She leans down and kisses my forehead. "I love you baby"_

"_I love you too Mommy"_

"Ashley…Ashley…Ashley!" I shake out of my thoughts and see Kyla waving her hands.

"I won" She points to the cards in front of us. "What were you thinking about?"

"Just a bunch of bullshit"


	13. Chapter 13

**Okay first off I'm sorry for the late update. Second off the story isn't ending yet so no fear. Third, I am posting a couple of chapters to make up for how short some of them are. I'm thankful for the new readers and the reviews. They always seem to get me to post eventually.**

**Sorry in advance if these chapters suck...and for Spencer...I'm very sorry for Spencer.**

**Chapter Thirteen: Sweetest Girl (Dollar Bill)**

**Spencer's POV**

_See I'ma tell you  
Like Wu told me  
Cash rules everything  
Around me  
Singing dollar, dollar bill ya'll  
Singing dollar, dollar bill ya'll_

_She used to be the sweetest girl_

I've never killed anyone before.

I've never wanted to inflict the same pain my family went through. I could never do it, I just couldn't.

I want to tell Madison this.

As she tries to hand me the gun she wants me to use on this girl.

A girl that's no older than sixteen.

"Spencer…this is the only way", Madison pleads. I know she's right. Aiden said I had to prove my loyalty. He said if I kill someone that will tie me to them forever.

But I don't want that.

"Please… I promise I'll go back. I won't run away again", she pleads. This girl who took off with Aiden's money.

"Shut up bitch", Madison commands. The girl whimpers in the corner. We found her in this crack house, trying to hide out. Madison brought guys to clear the place out and then made them leave. "Spence…Spencer" I look at Maddie, the way her eyes plead with me to take the gun and end this girl's life.

"Maddie…" I shake my head. "I can't do this" She shoves the gun at me.

"Damn it Spencer…he'll kill you" I don't get why Madison cares so much about me. I figure it's because I'm the closest thing to a best friend she has. I've never seen her with any other women, just men. "Spencer…you have to do this. If you don't he'll kill you and I can't handle that thought" I keep shaking my head, trying to keep my tears at bay. "Spence" She places her hand on my shoulder. "You are the only friend I have"

"Please don't kill me. I'm only sixteen; I have never been on a date. My mom and dad…"

"Stop trying to fucking humanize yourself", Maddie yells.

"Maddie… I can't do this" She sighs heavily before grabbing the gun. Without any hesitation she points it at the girl and fires two shots. The girl slumps, but Madison never looks her way. Her eyes are firmly planted on me.

"Spencer…Spencer…" I'm still staring at the girl. There are two bullet holes in her chest, in her small frame. "Spencer!" Madison yells. I drag my eyes away from the girl to Madison. "I'm going to tell Aiden you did this okay? I'll tell him you killed her, but I need you to shoot the gun. He might get suspicious so I need to cover our tracks" She grabs my hand and places the gun in it. She guides my finger to the trigger. "Close your eyes"

I do as she says and she takes my hand, points it, and shoots it. I keep my eyes closed, knowing from the sound that she pointed it at the body.

"It's over", she whispers.

/

"You should have seen her Aid. This girl is ruthless" Maddie tells Aiden our lie of a story. We are in what he calls his office. He is sitting at the head of the table with a bunch of guards surrounding him. His hands are clasped together and he's smiling at me. "The girl begged, but Spencer just didn't give a fuck. Right Spence?" Maddie looks at me and I throw her what I hope is a convincing smile.

"Bitch had it coming" Aiden is full on grinning at my words.

"That's what I like to hear. I knew you had it in you" He stands up and walks over towards me. "The way you handled things is so fucking sexy" He leans in to kiss me, but I turn my head. He scowls at me so I try to cover my tracks.

"Later… later you can do whatever you like" His scowl is now replaced by the earlier grin.

"That's what I like to hear"

I just bought myself some time, time to lose myself so I don't have to think about this monster touching me.

For the first time since we've met I miss Ashley.

And for the first time since I've met Ashley I feel alone.

/

"_We should get a map", a fourteen year old Ashley suggests. Tonight we are sleeping behind a random grocery store. _

"_For what?" I ask while biting off a piece of beef jerky. I hold it out to Ashley and she takes a bite._

"_For when we leave here"_

"_Where would we go?" _

"_Somewhere happy" I giggle before taking another bite of the jerky. _

"_Ashley Davies, the idealist" I glance to my right to see Ashley frowning at me._

"_Is that a bad thing?" I mentally slap myself. I reach over and place a gentle hand on her thigh._

"_It just means you're a dreamer" I watch as her body visibly relaxes. I lean my head on her shoulder and hand her the jerky. She takes it and breaks it in half, giving me my portion._

"_Next time Spence… just say that"_

"_Ashley Davies, the dreamer"_

"_Much better", she says before wrapping her arms tightly around me._

"You're thinking of her again aren't you?"

"Hmm?" I glance up across the booth. Madison is watching me, her fingers mindlessly trailing the rim of her glass.

"Ashley…you're thinking about her aren't you?"

"No", I lie. Maddie moves her head from side to side.

"If I didn't know any better I would think you actually care about her"

"It's a good thing you know better then huh?" Maddie takes a sip of her drink, leaving the topic of Ashley alone.

The truth is I didn't think I'd miss her this much. I think a part of me always assumed that Ashley was the needy one. But here I am replaying some of our favorite memories.

"There's this girl that wants to meet you" I watch Maddie as she twirls the straw around in her drink.

"What kind of girl?"

"A kind of girl that will make you a kept woman"

"_Can I keep you?"_

"I don't want to be kept"

"This isn't exactly an option", she says so low that I have to strain to hear her.

"This is an Aiden thing isn't it?"

"Isn't it always?"


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter Fourteen: Airplanes**

**Third Person POV**

_Can we pretend that airplanes  
In the night sky are like shooting stars?  
I could really use a wish right now  
Wish right now  
Wish right now_

"Ashley…don't go out tonight" Kyla begs her sister like she does every night. Ashley stares back at her with half of her body already out of the window.

"I have to find her Ky…she needs me"

"What if someone kills you? Then what? I need you"

"You don't get it Ky, I have to save her. I ALWAYS have to save her… it's what the hero does"

"You'll get yourself killed", Kyla voices after Ashley is already gone.

/

"This is what gangsters are made of Spencer", Aiden hits Spencer hard across the face. She falls to the ground and Madison forces herself not to get involved. "You have to be made of stone" He kicks her in her stomach. "You have to be strong" He punches her across the face. She tastes the blood in her mouth and she tries to spit it out, but Aiden grabs her chin. "Fucking swallow it or I'll gut you right here" She forces it down and almost throws up.

"Aiden I think she's had enough", Madison squeaks out. She can't stand to watch anymore. She curses the person that gave up their secret. One of Aiden's men told him that Spencer never killed that girl. So Aiden decided to make Spencer into a killer, no matter how much it hurt her.

"I'll tell you when she's fucking had enough" He brings his leg back and sends a hard kick to Spencer's side. She whimpers and he leans down to her eye level. "And never…ever…show weakness"

/

"Ashley…Ashley…Ashley…" The young brunette faces her tutor. Raife wants Ashley to at least get her GED. "What is the answer?" Ashley looks down at the math problem in front of her.

"I don't know" She hears the tutor's sigh. She knows she's frustrating the poor man, but she can't bring herself to care.

"What do you know?" The teacher asks with frustration.

Ashley closes her eyes and remembers the feeling of Spencer's lips.

"I know what perfection tastes like"

/

"Please…I'll pay you. I get my check on Friday" Madison is ready to take pity on this poor man. Every once in awhile she let's someone pass. She let's them have a day or two.

Today is this guy's lucky day.

"Have it by…" She doesn't get to finish before a shot is fired. The man's mouth opens and he hits face first onto the concrete. "Jesus Spencer", she turns around to look at the stone faced blonde. Spencer just shrugs her shoulders and shoves her gun back in her jeans.

"He didn't pay", she says simply. "This isn't fucking Kmart we don't do layaway"

Spencer walks away and Madison shakes her head realizing that Aiden created a monster….

And she helped.

/

Ashley searches the streets with her hood over her head. She knows there is a price on her head and she doesn't want her cover blown. She visits Bishop's like she does every night and he shakes his head.

"I'm not helping you anymore"

"What?" Ashley's jaw drops.

"I heard…" He sighs. "I heard you have a family now…one that loves you. You have a chance to get out of here"

"Bishop…"

"And you'll never take it if I keep telling you stuff about her. You won't let her go unless you're forced to"

"But I love her", Ashley says softly.

And Bishop could end it all right now.

He could repeat the rumors he's heard. He could kill that perfect image of Spencer in Ashley's head. He could bring up Carmen.

But Ashley leaves before she can hear his words.

"She's one of them now"

/

"She won't give up you know", Madison follows Spencer's line of vision. A small brunette leaves Bishop's diner just like she does every night.

"She will…She has to" Spencer walks away without a glance over her shoulder.

"I don't think so", the latina mumbles.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen: Even Now**

**Ashley's POV**

_Even now  
I can feel your face  
Resting on my chest  
Wrestling for sleep  
And failing at it_

**4 Months Later**

"_I don't feel good about this Spence"_

"_You do it all the time for me. I need to pull my weight" Spencer takes off her hoodie, trying not to look like a fourteen year kid. Spencer stands on the corner and rolls up her shirt to expose her stomach. I pull down her shirt immediately._

"_Don't do that"_

"_How else am I supposed to get attention?"_

"_Spence…you're already beautiful" She smiles and cups my chin._

"_That's sweet, but beautiful isn't sexy. I need to be sexy" She rolls her shirt back up and I feel sick to my stomach. Spencer isn't the type of girl that should be doing this. "You do it all the time"_

"_That's because I was already tainted!" Spencer scowls; she knows that something bad happened to me. I just haven't told her the full story._

"_You were never tainted…you still aren't" Our eyes stay trained on each other. A car pulls up and I hear the guy ask Spencer how much. Spencer tells him one second and strokes my cheek. "I was going to lose my virginity one way or another"_

_She's about to walk away when I grab her and kiss her. I'm no expert at kissing, every kiss I've had has been forced on me. I don't want that for Spencer so I just softly press my lips against hers. She kisses back and pulls away. _

"_What was that for?"_

"_Your first kiss should be from someone who loves you" Her eyes are still on me, still trying to read me. "And no one loves you more than me", I finish with a shrug. _

"_Thank you"_

I wake up in a cold sweat.

Just like I have every night for the past four months. At least this time it's a memory that woke me up and not a nightmare.

Then again some of my memories are nightmares.

I look over at the clock on my nightstand and see that it's three in the morning. It doesn't take long before I'm lacing up my running shoes. I jot down a quick note for Kyla that I'm going out for a run. Although I'm sure she knows by now since I do this all the time.

As soon as I'm outside I set a nice jogging pace. I revel in the sound of my feet hitting the pavement. There is something about running in the quiet, it calms me. I pick up my pace and keep my eyes focused ahead of me.

I see a blonde figure in the street smiling at me. I slow down and stare in disbelief at the girl in front of me.

"What are you doing silly girl? It's freezing", she says. I let out a long breath and use the sleeve of my shirt to wipe at my nose. I can see my breath in the air.

"Spencer?"

"Ashley Davies…you'll catch death out here" I walk closer to her and she raises a small hand to caress my cold cheek. "You're freezing…" she whispers.

"I love you", I sigh. I close my eyes and when I open them she's gone. "Spencer?" I spin around trying to find her.

"Are you crazy?" A voice calls out to me. I turn to see a young girl with dark brown hair. "Because only crazy people talk to themselves in the middle of the street"

"I'm not crazy…just in love" She smirks and shakes her head. It reminds me so much of my best friend.

"They're synonymous" She walks towards me and holds out her hand. "I'm Dana, late night stalker" I observe her hand as if it were alien. "And apparently not funny" She takes back her hand and shoves them both in the back pocket of her jeans. "You're not from here are you?"

"I'm not from anywhere", I reply simply.

"I like that" She steps closer to me and I take a step back. "You're shy"

"I'm cautious"

"I'm harmless", she counters. "I'm just Dana who lives on the corner" I raise my eyebrow. "House…I live in the corner house", she corrects.

"I'm Ashley" This time she steps forward and grabs my hand. I freeze, but she doesn't let go.

"Ashley…" she murmurs. "What are you doing out here?"

"R..running" She nods her head.

"Why are you talking to yourself?"

"I'm not talking to myself, you're here" She lets out a small laugh.

"You're strange" I'm about to respond when she cuts me off. "I like strange" She lets go of my hand and starts to walk away.

"Are you real or am I going crazy?" I yell after her. She doesn't say anything back and I decide to finish my run.

When I walk downstairs in the morning there is a bowl of Lucky Charms waiting for me. I see Kyla sitting on the kitchen counter eating her yogurt. She doesn't really care for cereal, but she knows it's one of the few things I eat. So every time I go downstairs there is a bowl waiting for me.

"Can you walk me to school?"

"I thought you were having one of the drivers take you?" She shrugs her shoulders. Kyla's school is a good twenty minute walk away. "Okay" I don't miss the large grin on her face as I finish eating.

/

"And there's this guy at school who I like, but I don't know if he likes me…" I smile and nod my head as Kyla continues talking. It seems that she has verbal diarrhea with all the topics she's covered. "Ashley…" I turn my attention to her. "I'm happy that you're my sister"

"I'm happy that you're my sister"

"But you miss her right?" It doesn't take much to know who she's talking about. "That's why you're always so sad"

"I'm not always sad" I look ahead and see someone heading our way. Whoever they are, they're wearing a black and white fitted cap with a white shirt and blue jeans. I'm ready to dismiss them when they take off their cap.

It's a guy with messy, curly blond hair. That's not what gets me, it's the blue eyes. Those haunting blue eyes. He looks up at us as we pass each other. We make eye contact and neither of us looks away.

I know those eyes…

Those eyes are so fucking familiar. He breaks eye contact and keeps walking past me. The blond glances over his shoulder and runs his fingers through his hair.

"_Sean left us some money, but we have to get out of here now" Spencer runs her fingers through her hair and runs out of the room._

"Ashley? Are you okay?" Kyla touches my arm and breaks me out of my gaze.

"Yeah, sorry. I'm just seeing stuff" I continue to walk Kyla to school. "What were you saying?"

"Just that there is a party tonight"

"We should go" Kyla looks shocked by my response and I can't blame her. I've been a homebody for the most part lately.

"Really?" I nod my head and Kyla attacks me with a hug. "This is so great!"

/

I look around at my surroundings and take in the high school scene. I see the various drunken people grinding on the dance floor, Kyla being one of them. I've been sipping on the same beer all night, keeping an eye on my little sister.

"See something you like out there?" I hear a familiar voice and turn to see Dana. "I think I'm jealous"

"My little sister" I point towards the small brunette dancing between two guys. She looks out and frowns.

"My brothers would never let me dance like that"

"I'm watching her" She nods her head. "Besides I think they're gay"

"Your sister?"

"The guys. They keep giving each other these looks" I've been watching them all night and it looks like they really want to dance together. "What are you doing here?"

"Stalking you", she shrugs.

"You're not doing a very good job of it"

"I never said I was good at it" I smile in spite of myself and we share a moment. "Where is that girl you're in love with?"

"How do you know it's a girl?"

"I don't. I'm just really hoping that you're gay" I shake my head and take another sip of my beer.

"I don't know where she is"

"Is this an actual person you know? Or is this girl someone you haven't met yet?"

"I know her"

"Damn it" I stare at her in confusion. "I was hoping for the latter. I'm not usually this forward, you are just so damn cute" I stare down at my bottle not exactly knowing how to handle the situation.

"Does she love you?" She asks after a beat.

"Yeah...she does"


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter Sixteen: Stuck On You**

**Spencer's POV**

_And I claimed I didn't care for you  
But your verse got trapped inside my head  
Over and over again  
You played yourself to death in me  
_

"There once was a man named Miles Thomas" Madison rips open the man's button down. He struggles in his chair as he tries to get free. "Miles had a loving family" The man before me sweats profusely as I continue my story. "A wife and two daughters"

"I love this story", Carmen says as she wraps her arms around my waist.

"But Miles had a secret" Madison smirks in my direction. "He was a heroin addict"

"Bad Miles", Carmen condemns. "What happened next babe?"

"Miles racked up a very large debt with a very powerful man" Carmen squirms with excitement behind me. "The powerful man came to collect one day, but Miles didn't have his money" I cock my head to the side. "Do you know what happened to Miles?"

"PLEASE JUST LET ME GO" He struggles in the seat, poor Miles.

"That's not how this game is played" Madison grabs his hair and yanks it back. "You don't want to hear the rest of the story?"

"Please I have a wife and kids. My daughters are still young…just please…"

"Really?" I move out of Carmen's grasp and place both hands on the arms of his chair. "Tell me more" Carmen taps me with a pair of gardening sheers. "This will only hurt a little"

He screams and I let him.

He'll realize no one can save him…just like I did.

/

"You're going to scrub your skin off" Carmen mumbles while brushing her teeth. After every murder I spend a couple of hours in the shower trying to get clean. Carmen spits and walks over to me, pulling the curtain back slightly. "Come to bed babe"

Once Carmen and I started dating she moved me into her apartment.

Yeah I was thinking U-Haul lesbian too.

"Just a little while longer" She leans into the spray of the water and pecks my cheek.

She's sweet when she wants to be…that much I'll admit.

I could've ended up with worse…

But she's still not Ashley.

"It'll get better" She leaves the bathroom and I'm grateful to be alone.

I bury my head under the spray of water. I try to create a blank slate in my mind, but she still gets in.

She always finds a way in.

/

"It's fucking freezing" Carmen rubs her hands together.

"Stop bitching" Madison places her hand on my shoulder. We both stare at the large building in front of us.

"Who are we waiting on?" Madison rolls her eyes; Carmen can be annoying at times.

"Some guy, Robert Mitchell. Aiden didn't give me any details"

"It looks like a church", I say to no one in general.

"Hey someone's coming out" Carmen takes my hand and we hide on the side of the building. From there we can see Madison talking to a middle aged man. She signals us behind her back and we both come out of our hiding place. This guy doesn't see us, the first thing he hears is Carmen and I both cocking our guns by his head.

"Forgive me father", Madison replies with a shrug.

/

"There must be a misunderstanding" The priest known as Father Mitchell struggles in his restraints. Aiden gave us strict instructions to not kill him.

Restrain and torture was all he said.

"Shut up" Madison faces me and Carmen. "So he said we keep him down here for a week until his son pays" She continues to talk, but I stop listening. It's not until her fingers snap in front of my face that I realize she's talking to me still. "Girl you okay? Did you miss a fix?"

"Spencer missing a fix? I don't think it's possible"

"Don't be a bitch Carmen"

"Mind your fucking business Madison" They continue to bicker as I stare at the priest. He has long since stopped struggling, now he's watching me.

Not watching…observing.

His gaze is starting to get to me and I push through the two bickering women to get into his face.

"What are you staring at?"

"It's not too late to save yourself…"

"Did God tell you that?" I ask mockingly.

"No…life did" I take in his appearance. The wrinkles on his face, the thick goatee all gain my attention. "Who has hurt you so deeply my child? Surely this is not a life for someone your age"

Your God did I scream in my head.

"Give me your pocket knife", I command Carmen. Their fighting stops and soon the object is being placed into my hand. "This will only hurt a little" He bows his head and begins to pray.

I twirl the knife around before plunging it into his thigh.

"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here", I whisper into his ear.

/

The sounds of fist meeting skin echo in this small room. There is some blood splatter on the wall, all from the priest. Carmen grunts as she hits him again with her brass knuckles. I'm sure she's exhausted by now, but I don't stop her. Madison is sitting on the table next to me pretending to file her nails. I say pretending because anytime the priest is hit, she jumps.

I don't know when, but somewhere along the way Madison got soft.

"I think we should give him a break" I watch her clap her hands to get Carmen's attention. "Hey Rambo that's enough" Carmen stops and looks towards me. I shake my head and she continues her assault. Madison walks towards her and pushes her back. "I said he had enough" She gives her attention to the badly beaten man.

I swear she is bipolar sometimes. One minute she's all for torture, then the next she's Mother Teresa.

"You're killing him", she says while checking his wounds.

"He's fine", Carmen argues. "Spencer will tell me when to stop"

Carmen's loyalty to me is the main reason I like having her around. Someone could tell her the sky was blue and she would still look to me for confirmation. She's completely different from Aiden in that way. She's always so unsure of herself, but certain of me. She acts like I shit rainbows and I've missed that.

At first when Aiden forced me to be with her I thought it would be hell. Instead it's been more like limbo. He promised me to her when she mentioned she was feeling lonely. Since that day I've been hers and hers alone.

Except I'm not really hers.

In all honesty she reminds me of a lesser version of Ashley.

"God…I have to stop thinking about her"

"Did you say something babe?" I look up to see Carmen with her arm in mid swing. I shake my head and she continues assault. Madison storms over to me and places her hands on both sides of me, trapping me in.

"Its business Maddie", I say tiredly. I lean my head against the wall behind me and close my eyes.

"_Ashley…I'm tired", I whine. We've been in this comic book store for the past two hours. "What are you looking for?"_

"_It's the same in every one" A thirteen year old Ashley looks up at me from her comic. _

"_What's the same?"_

"_The girl" She shoves a comic into my hand enthusiastically. "The hero always saves the girl. Then the girl falls in love with the hero" I flip through a few pages._

"_Not always"_

"_Look", Ashley points to a panel in the comic. It's Spiderman and Mary Jane. "He always saves her" My brother Glen used to read Spiderman comics so I know a good amount about them. I look through the stack and find a specific comic. _

"_Issue 121" Ashley looks confused and I turn to a specific page. "Gwen Stacy… Peter Parker's first love" Ashley starts to read and I watch as her body visibly deflates. "Sometimes the hero fails" I take the magazine from her and stick it back in the rack. I pick up my backpack, but she still doesn't move. "Ashley…"_

"_I wouldn't let that happen to you" I wait for her to elaborate. "I'll always save you Spence" _

"_Some of us are meant to be Gwen Stacy"_

_After that day Ashley never wanted to go to another comic book store._

"I don't believe you anymore" Madison's voice breaks me out of my thoughts. "When you say you don't care about Ashley…I don't believe you"

"Maybe your lie detectors broken"

"Are we friends?"

"Of course we are Maddie"

"Then why can't you tell me the truth?"

"And what truth would that be?" I stare directly into her eyes and see genuine concern.

"That you're in love with Ashley" I feel a lump rise in my throat. "And you miss her"

"You don't know shit", I bark. I jump off of the table and walk towards the priest. "My turn"


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter Seventeen: Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect**

**Ashley's POV**

_And I am nothing of a builder  
But here I dreamt I was an architect  
And I built this balustrade  
To keep you home and keep you safe  
From the outside world_

"Let's go see Santa", Kyla jumps with enthusiasm. Dana and I share a look before shaking our heads. This was not apart of the deal when I said I would go to the mall. Dana and I were content just listening to her ipod. We've spent a good amount of time together since the party. "Please Ash"

"Kyla I'm sorry to break it to you, but Santa isn't real", Dana interrupts.

"Like I said…Please ASH" Kyla sends a glare in Dana's direction. "Just take a picture with me" I don't get the chance to argue before Kyla drags me into the line.

"Why do you want a picture so bad?"

"Dad tries to be there for Christmas every year, but things come up usually. Then I end up spending Christmas alone. I just want to remember my first Christmas with my sister" She looks down in embarrassment. I see we're up next and I bump her shoulder.

"It's our turn Sis" She perks up and we make out way to the fat guy in the suit.

"Aren't you girls a little to old for Santa?" He jokes. "Hop up here" We both take a knee and lean in for the impending picture. When it's over Kyla kisses the man on the cheek and hops off. I wait until she's a couple feet away and turn to face 'Santa'.

"I know you're not real and whatnot…But can we pretend for a second that you are" He nods his head for me to continue.

"What do you want for Christmas little girl?"

"I want her to be Mary Jane" He stares at me for awhile in confusion, but I just get up and head towards Kyla. "How did we turn out?" I look down at the picture and that's when I realize that I really have a family.

"Perfect. Thanks Ash"

"Anytime"

/

We're on our way back to Kyla's car. Apparently she drives; she just prefers to walk places. We're all about to get into the car when I feel something tug at me.

"Hey Ash are you okay?" I turn around and see the last person I'd ever expect. There watching me in the far distance is Boz. Although it's not the smartest thing to do I race towards him. I plow into him and he grips me fiercely.

"I almost didn't believe it with my own eyes" He kisses my forehead and I let a couple of tears out. "I didn't think I'd ever see you again"

"I'm so sorry…" A flood of tears flow from me as I think of his cousin, my best friend Sean. "I let him down…I didn't get there in time… I'm so sorry Boz…God I'm sorry" He pulls back enough to stare at me.

"It's not your fault"

"I should have known…I should have run faster" He moves his head side to side.

"Listen to me…" I'm full on sobbing now and he cups my face. "I don't blame you…It's not your fault"

"Why does it feel like it is?" Boz looks behind me at Dana and Kyla.

"Do you think they would mind if I took you for a little bit?"

/

"Ashley Davies is rich. That sounds so strange to say" Boz takes a sip of his coffee. We decided to go to starbucks and after some persuasion I treated. Dana and Kyla promised to make themselves scarce for a little while. "It wasn't too long ago you were stealing and slanging. You and Spencer were something else" I look down at my coffee cup. "I heard you about…"

"Have you seen her?"

"You don't want to know"

"Please…" I beg. Sean appears to think it over so I reach across the table for his hands. "I need to find her"

"She's not Spencer" I find myself laughing at the thought.

"She's always Spencer" Then Sean gets this look that Bishop gave me, almost like he's debating telling me something.

"Have you ever been to the church by the park Sean used to run?" I shake my head. "You should go there sometime. I hear if you go there at a certain time you can catch an angel" It takes me a minute, but I finally get it.

Spencer.

"I'm glad I got to see you so I can say goodbye"

"Goodbye?" I ask curiously.

"Aiden's boys are wiping out anyone who had anything to do with Sean. Sean made me promise I would take care of Chelsea and Jonathan. I'll protect them with my life"

"He picked the right person" Sean always told me that Boz is reliable. We both stand up, ready to say goodbye. Boz wraps his arms around me and I instantly think of the times Sean held me. "I miss him so much"

"Me too…Thanks for the note" I nod my head knowing that he's talking about what I wrote on Sean's wallet. "He loved you like a sister. I love you like a sister"

"I love you" And I don't have to add the like a brother part.

"When you're ready to take those bastards down let me know and I'll be there" We pull away and he heads towards the exit. "Hey Ashley", he turns around. "I hear that angel will be there at ten tonight"

He walks away for what may be the final time.

And I close my eyes and thank god for small miracles.

/

"So are you going to tell me who that guy was?" Dana and I are sitting on the curb in front of my house. Kyla went inside awhile ago to give us some privacy.

"I just moved here a few months ago" I debate how much I should tell her seeing that we just met. "I had this whole other life before"

"A life with a girl"

"Spencer" I shake my head. "Her name is Spencer and I've known her since I was thirteen"

"And you're in love with her"

"And I'm in love with her", I reiterate. She looks out into the street. "I'm sorry" I don't know why I'm saying it, but I feel like I should.

"You don't have to be sorry" I watch a ghost of a smile appear on her face. There is a beep and Dana reaches for her phone. She stares at it for awhile before typing something and putting it away. "I have to go, my dad's worried" I bob my head and she leaves tossing a goodbye behind her.

I go back inside the house and head upstairs to my room. I go through my bag in the closet, the bag that holds my old life. Raife didn't have time to go through my stuff; he had to go on tour when I got out of the hospital. So the gun Sean originally gave me is still in there. Sean's gun, the one I used in the hotel…it was confiscated. I take the gun and shove it in the front of my jeans.

I have to save her.

"You know where she is don't you?" Kyla stands in my doorway with her arms crossed. "That's why you need the gun"

"I'm not going to fail this time" I grab a large hoodie from inside of my closet and throw it on. When I turn around to leave Kyla is standing in my way.

"I'm going with you"

"It's dangerous"

"I could say the same to you", she counters. "I can drive, it'll be quicker. But I can't sit at home worrying about you"

Before I can even argue she's heading to the car.

/

"I think this is the place" I made Kyla park a little distance from the church just in case somebody is watching. "Stay close" We walk up the steps to the church and I check if the door is open. It cracks, allowing us to get in.

"….just keep her safe okay? That's the only thing I'm asking you for…" The sound of Spencer's voice stops me in my tracks. I motion for Kyla not to go anywhere. "And if you don't do it for me…do it for her… because she is a damn good person" I spot her pacing in front of the cross with jesus on it.

She still looks beautiful.

"Please…Just… This is my Christmas wish…", she sighs. I step into the aisle and clear my throat. She turns around with a hard look on her face.

"Merry Christmas Spence"


	18. Chapter 18

_**Soooooooooo what have you guys been up to since I posted like ten years ago? I'm hoping the excitement of a post outweighs the fact that I took fucking forever. And here's the part where I give you my lame ass excuse, are you ready? **_

_**IYou see I have a horrible memory this is proven by the fact that I own three toothbrushes placed randomly throughout my room because I am ALWAYS losing something. Therefore I always eventually find one of them which works. Sadly...I only have one flashdrive and it's not even mine. And I know some people are like "well save it to your laptop asshole" and yes that is usually what I do, but unfortunately my laptop was sat upon by random harlots during a movie marathon and the screen broke so this is where the flashdrive comes in. **_

_**The flashdrive with my mother's important documents that I lost for three months. So for three months I had to go through this**_

_**Me: Have you seen my keys?**_

_**Her: Have you seen my flashdrive?**_

_**Me: I'm probably going to the bars tonight.**_

_**Her: Is that where my flashdrive is?**_

_**And so on and so on. But it's found so...yay? I plan on posting more this week because I'm on spring break with means I have a vacation from my first job, but I still have my second. I'd post more today, but I have errands to run like a pain in the ass drive to long beach during traffic and I'm supposed to go out tonight. But there will be more.**_

_**So after that long ass post that I'm sure no one needed to read here is an update...**_

_**Oh sidenote...all of the stories were recovered EXCEPT for Tiniest Notion...but I'm working on it.**_

_**And it'll be a few more chapters before I end this story just so you know**_

**Chapter Eighteen: Amsterdamn**

**Spencer's POV**

_Come on, oh my star is fading  
And I see no chance of release  
And I know I'm dead on the surface  
But I am screaming underneath_

"Ashley?" As soon as her name leaves my lips I become exhausted.

I'm just so tired…and this is what my body must have been waiting on. My body has been waiting for this…for her…so that it can finally relax. Everything I've done…the drugs, the killing…all catches up to me.

And I fall to the floor…except not really. Ashley is there in an instant, holding me.

"Spence…", she breathes. She's staring down at me with the most caring gaze I've ever seen. The church is dark with the exception of the prayer candles. Ashley caresses the side of my face and I wonder how did I manage going so long without this? "Are you okay?"

I don't answer her. I'm too busy thinking that I wouldn't mind dying right now. I could go happily gazing into her brown eyes. I feel my heart racing and I curse myself for not listening to Carmen when she told me that a speedball is nothing to play with. Then again I was hoping something like this would happen.

If I had to think about it I guess I've been trying to kill myself for weeks.

"Spence…Answer me"

And she's staring at me like I'm thirteen and I just ran away from a group home.

She's staring at me like I'm Mary Jane instead of Gwen Stacy.

She's staring at me like I'm fourteen and she's planning out our future together.

She's staring at me like she wants to keep me.

And I can't think of anytime she hasn't looked at me like this.

"You've been in love with me since the bus stop" I feel stupid that it's taken me so long to realize this. Ashley seems confused, but her hands never leave me.

"Is she okay?" Another girl comes forward and I recognize her as Kyla. She has a worried expression on her face. "She looks sick"

"She looks beautiful" The girl looks at Ashley like she's crazy. And I stop myself from saying that Ashley would never say I look anything less than beautiful. "Spencer…"

I close my eyes, not caring if death comes or not.

Ashley's here.

/

When I open my eyes I'm lying on Ashley's lap. She's leaning against a wall and Kyla is asleep next to her.

"You're awake" her voice rasp. "I didn't know what to do when you closed your eyes" I start to sit up and Ashley is immediately in my space. "I don't think you…"

"You shouldn't be here" I growl when I finally manage to stand up. Ashley shoots up to help when I lean against the nearby wall for support.

"I don't care" She responds simply. I rip my body away from her, ignoring its protest. "Spence"

I shake my head and ball my hair into my fist. As much as I want her to be here, she can't.

"You have to go…you can't do this…. There's Aiden and Madison and Carmen...and there's things that I've done…" I start to cry and I glance up at Ashley in exhaustion. She looks so confused right now and suddenly there's this weight on my heart. "I did so many bad things Ashley…"

"I don't care", she reiterates.

"But you will when you find out. Ashley…you can't be here"

"I told you I would always save…"

"There's nobody to save" I whisper and I know she didn't hear me because she's still talking.

"I have the money to get us both out of here. We can have that life we always talked about we…"

"I'm with Carmen" I breathe out too low for her to hear.

"We can have any life we want we…"

"I have a drug problem"

"You and me can live together in a mansion. You'll never have to wo.."

"I've killed people", I murmur as tears fall freely down my cheeks. She still doesn't hear me and I watch her get excited. "I let him break me"

I let myself fall too deep into the rabbit hole.

I let myself become someone my parents would hate.

Someone Ashley would hate.

"Spence?" I jump when I realize how close she is. Ashley stares deeply into my eyes and I can't bring myself to close my own.

"Ashley you can't"

"I'm in love with you"

And I get this feeling in my chest. I hear those words and her earnest tone of voice.

And I just know…I know…that she means it.

Which is why I have to tell her the truth.

"I killed people" She freezes and this time I know she heard me. "I've done horrible things. Ashley…I'm not the same girl you met four years ago. I don't even think that girl exists anymore"

"Spence…" She steps towards me, but I move away.

"I'm drowning Ash… and if you stay with me you will to" She continues to move forward, but I find myself walking backwards towards the church doors. "I can't do that to you… I can't be selfish" I'm about to turn and open the doors when Ashley closes them with her hands. She's slow close to me that I can feel her breath on my lips.

"You're not. I want to be with you Spence" She holds her hands to her chest. "I need to be with you… god… if you knew what just being around you does to me you would understand why I can't walk away from you. Spence… If I had to choose between living in a mansion or on the streets with you" She brings her hand up to caress my cheek. "I'd be sleeping on the nearest beach" I close my eyes and sigh.

"I missed you"

And that's not what I meant to say at all, but I don't want to take it back.

"What are you thinking?" She breathes.

"That I don't want to be without you" I open my eyes to see her staring intently at me.

"Come away with me"

"Ash I have to pay for…"

"Fuck that. We've been paying our whole lives. Between my past and your family…Karma owes us damn it" Even though I know she's being serious I find myself letting a small smile grace my features. She grins in return and I realize that I can't be without that smile anymore. "Let me keep you"

"Okay"

"Okay?" She repeats as her grin widens. I nod my head and before I can react her lips are on mine. She pulls back quickly with a shocked expression. "I'm sorry I just…" I cup her face and pull her towards mine. She responds quickly and wraps her arms around me. I end it just as quickly as it began, but neither one of us moves our hands.

"I have to get my stuff"

"I'll go with you" I think about Carmen and what could happen if she saw Ashley.

"You can't" When Ashley's smile falters I decide to tell her the truth. "There's someone else… Aiden's cousin. If she sees you…" She nods understandingly.

"Are you in love with her?" She tries to hide it, but I can hear her insecurity. "If you're happy I don't want to…"

"I'm not. I've only been happy with you. I'm only in l…" A loud noise causes us to jump apart. Ashley turns around and protects me with her body. I see her reach behind her, but I stop her.

"Kyla?" She calls to the sleeping brunette whose eyes are now open.

"What was that?" The younger Davies gets up and nervously.

"You two go" Ashley looks at me like I'm crazy. "I'll meet you at Bishop's in two hours"

"Spencer…"

"I swear… If you're there I'll be there"


	19. Chapter 19

**Sooooooo this is like really late, but in my defense I've had a pretty shitty couple of months. In between deaths and illnesses in the family and other personal reasons to be honest I just didn't have it in me to write. Then when I tried to write I had writers block. I finally just spent all day writing since I was alone because my girlfriend went out of town and my family had plans without me. **

**But now it's all over with and I think I owe you guys something better than just one update. So I'm giving you the final chapters and the ending. This story will officially be finished which I think is kind of cool. I'm still working on my other two, but I think Tiniest Notion will be the last one I update because I'm currently stuck. I hope you guys like the chapters and the ending. I'm sorry they aren't longer, but they all felt right to me so I'm posting them. Thanks for reading and reviewing I really do appreciate it. **

**So here's the last few chapters. **

**Chapter Nineteen: Addict Me **

**Carmen's POV**

_I can't kick you as a habit, this addiction screams like a sin  
On this mission of mercy I'll never win  
All your drama, you'll just deny it  
Pale blue eyes to save face, what's the harm in me trying just a taste?  
Intervention hardly matters when your intentions are a lie  
So try being kind to this junkie who's blind_

I was fifteen when my mom killed my dad.

_I wake up to a gun shot._

_I can usually sleep through the late night shooting, but this time it sounds too close._

_Close like the next room over._

_I think about my parents and grab the gun on my night stand. My dad bought it for me for my thirteenth birthday to keep me safe. Aiden got one too; ours match and have our initials on it. Our dads run the drug trade among other things and they wanted to insure our safety. Speaking of Aiden, I think about calling him for back up, but he'll say I'm a sissy for doing it._

_I creep through the halls and reach the door to my parents' room. My fingers grip the doorknob and turn slowly. Once the door is open wide I see my mother packing an overnight bag._

_My father, however, is lying in a pool of blood on the bed._

"_Carmen", I hear her voice say in shock. It's now that I notice the gun in her hand that she's trying desperately to hide. I turn my attention back to the man that's cared for me the past fifteen years. "I had to…He was…"_

_You would think that because it was my mother I would have hesitated. I would have thought about my actions._

_But I know if I thought about it I wouldn't have done it._

_So I pull the trigger without as much as a sideways glance._

_The first person I call is Aiden's father, Aiden Senior. _

"_Remember this" Aiden Senior says as his men clean up the mess in my parents' room. "Remember how your father let love kill him. I told him to kill her from the beginning" He glances towards me. "You did good kid, exactly what you were supposed to"_

_Later on…when all of the blood is washed out… Aiden hangs out with me in the room. I didn't have to ask him to stay, he just knew. _

_Aiden's good like that._

_I know on some level he understands. His dad killed his mom as soon as Aiden was old enough to take care of himself. _

"_Are you going to cry or something?" Aiden sips the beer that my dad always kept in the fridge. We made a nonverbal agreement to drink until tonight is a distant memory. "Because I guess if you were ever allowed to cry this would be the time"_

_I don't say anything; I don't mention how I cried after I called his dad. I cried over the body of my father until they got here._

"_I loved him more than her" I take another gulp form the brown bottle. "I never said it, but she had to know"_

"_Your dad was good…better than mine"_

_This is no secret. Aiden's dad has always been a hardass. At an early age he made Aiden kill dogs for sport._

_Aiden's father is a sick bastard…. But someday Aiden will be too._

"_If I was your dad I would have stabbed the bitch" And every day he shows it just a little bit more. He finishes off his beer and reaches for another one. "Hopefully you'll be smarter than him"_

_Aiden continues to talk, but the only thing on my mind is…_

_How could he let this happen?_

"_**I swear… If you're there I'll be there"**_

She was supposed to be different.

She was supposed to be mine.

And here she is…plotting to leave me just like my mother.

That bitch.

My first instinct… the one I'm leaning towards… is to go in there and kill those two stupid bitches. I'll save Spencer for last…make her beg and plead for forgiveness. Then I'll gut her alive.

But the second instinct, the one that is in love with her, wants to just beg her to stay. She's my perfect woman. Spencer's an addiction like no other; she crawls under your skin. She thrives in your system and you'll claw at yourself trying to get her out.

And the thing about it is she knows.

She knows what affect she has on people.

When I look back into the church I see them hugging. I take a step forward to see them better. It's funny, I only came by here because I had business nearby and I wanted to walk with Spencer home.

It looks like I'm not the only one who wanted to be with her.

I can't say I'm completely surprised. Aiden told me about Ashley and how close they use to be. He told me that he's never seen anyone as dedicated to someone as Ashley.

He told me to kill her if I want to keep Spencer.

"_They're endgame", he sits back and takes a drag from his cigarette. "They're Juliet and Juliet, but they won't take the bitch way out. Once Spencer admits she loves Ashley it'll be over. They will go kicking and screaming to be with each other. And they will rain shit all over us"_

"_What are you worried about? We can off the Ashley chick and be done"_

"_Nothing is ever that easy"_

But then again what does he know?

/

After walking around aimlessly for awhile, I head home. I didn't really stick around to listen to the rest of their conversation. My mind is too preoccupied with determining what I should do about Spencer. I finally came to a conclusion figuring the only way to keep her is to kill her. That way she doesn't have the chance to leave me.

That way no one else can have her.

When I get home she's sitting casually on the couch watching TV. I think briefly that I'm going to miss coming home to her. She's the only girl I've ever let in. Madison will probably be pissed when she finds out. She thinks of Spencer as a sister.

"Hey Carm" I give her a weak smile and join her on the couch. My left hand is hidden behind my back, holding the gun my father bought me. "Where have you been?" She asks innocently.

"Just out" She nods her head and leans over to kiss me. It starts out innocently and escalates to the point where my gun is forgotten and we're undressing each other.

One more time won't hurt.

/

I wake up to the feeling of cold steel on my chest. Spencer is straddling me pointing my gun at my chest.

"You know", I sigh. She knows I was at the church. She knows that I was planning on killing her. She knows so fucking much that I start to laugh humorlessly at myself.

She set me up and I fucking fell for it.

Hook...Line…Sinker.

"I knew you wouldn't let me go. This is my only option if I don't leave now I'll never leave. I have to do things differently this time. This time I'm choosing Ashley… I'm sorry"

Here are some things I know about Spencer Carlin…

She cries in the shower when she thinks I can't hear her.

She cares about Madison like a sister.

She says a prayer for the people we kill.

Her family was brutally murdered.

And when she was younger her dad would sing "Singing In the Rain" while she helped him cook dinner.

That last bit….

Glen told me.

"Goodbye Carmen"


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter Twenty: Stolen**

**Spencer's POV**

_You have stolen my…  
Heart  
You have stolen my…  
Heart_

My time is limited.

After getting dressed and packing everything I own, I head for the front door. I only look back to glance at Carmen's limp body. There is a part of me that wishes I didn't have to do that. Carmen has always been good to me, watched out for me.

I walk back to her body to kiss her forehead.

"I'm so sorry"

I hope she understood. I hope she got the fact that I want to be with Ashley.

I need to be with her.

I head back towards the front door and take off running. I'm not as fast as Ashley, but I'm determined to get to her.

She came back for me.

Halfway into my run I feel tears running down my cheek, but I'm not sad.

I feel liberated.

All I want to do is reach her. I want to hug her and kiss her and tell her the things I kept hidden. A smile slowly forms on my lips and I push myself to move faster. The bag on my back holds hardly any clothes and my hair is flying crazily.

I feel so fucking alive.

/

I finally reach within sight of her.

She's sitting outside Bishop's with her sister at her side. Both of them look increasingly nervous. I pick up my pace again, going back into a sprint.

"ASHLEY!" I see her head snap in my direction, a slow smile forming on her face. Kyla is smiling too and ushers Ashley to meet me halfway.

She's sprinting to me when I hear it.

"Spence?" I know that voice anywhere, but I haven't heard it since I was twelve and being sent to a foster home. I turn around and there he is.

"Glen?"

"_Close your eyes it's just a bad dream Spence" Glen's grip tightens when a dark haired woman in a suit walks up._

"_Hello my name is Sandra Crosby" She holds her hand out, but Glen just pulls me closer to him. _

"_What do you want lady?"_

"_We're going to be taking you two to…"_

"_Fuck that noise you're not taking us anywhere. We live here" his voice is firm and it makes me feel safe in his arms. "My dad was a social worker. I know what you're trying to do and it's not happening. If you want to separate us you'll have to rip her from my cold dead hands because there is no fucking way I'm letting you" I wrap my own arms around him to help prove his point. I'm not losing the only family I have left. _

"_I assure you we'll try to keep you together"_

"_Try my ass, she's not going anywhere" I've never seen my brother so adamant about anything before. "I'll fight every cop you have"_

"_I understand you just went through a tragedy"_

"_Understand? You understand? So someone came into your house and murdered your family?" The social worker looks exhausted with Glen._

"_If you don't come willingly…we'll have to use force"_

"_If you try to take her I'll have to do the same" Glen starts pulling me away from her. He leans into my ear and whispers "You're going to have to run as fast as you can Spence" He doesn't give me time to respond before he takes my hand and pulls me. He's running full speed and I'm struggling to keep up, but he keeps yelling back at me. "Come on Spencer!"I glance behind us to see every police officer running behind us. I don't know where Glen is heading, but I try to keep pace. "Shit!" He stops running and I collide into his back. He pulls me behind him and puts his arms out as a shield. I look over his shoulder to see a couple of cops heading towards us. Glen backs us up until I've sandwiched between him and a random car. "I'm sorry Spence" The cops come toward us, but Glen doesn't budge. _

"_Don't make us do this kid"_

"_You're not taking my sister". He looks back at me "I love you", he whispers. An officer tries to grab me and Glen throws a punch. Everything turns into a blur after that. I see everyone crowd around my brother as he continues to fight. "RUN SPENCER!"_

_I don't get far before I'm being dragged back to the social worker. _

_The last time I see Glen is from the back window of a cop's car._

He looks older, tired. There's some scruff on his face and his hair is a little messy.

But all it takes is one look at his eyes and I know it's him.

He's walking towards me and I hear Ashley screaming behind me. I can't move, after all of these years he's right here. When he reaches me he wraps his arms around my neck and holds me close.

"I'm sorry", he whispers.

And there's a sharp pain to my head before I black out.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter Twenty One: Drones**

**Glen's POV**

_Subjects bow their heads  
Tributaries drop  
For the man  
Who will rule them all  
_

All I've ever wanted was to be a gangster.

Growing up, I'd watch movies like Scarface, Goodfellas, The Godfather, and A Bronx Tale. I'd see these dudes that have power and money.

They had women.

So as I got older I tried to get as close as possible. But the closest you can get when you're a white kid from Ohio is being a jock.

You still have the power and the women. The only problem is you don't get paid until you hit the big time. So I kept up my jock persona all the way to LA.

I played my hardest every game because I wanted the money more than anything…

ANYTHING.

One day I'm walking home after school and I see these guys hanging out on a street corner. I see them wearing the nicest shit and stuffing wads of money in their pocket.

And I want to be like them.

So what does the white kid from Ohio do? He makes the worst decision of his life.

/

It's kind of like being in an army.

At least that's what it's like to work for Aiden.

You never think…never question and that works for me. Because the last decision I made had painful consequences.

I like taking orders. I like never really knowing what's going on. I like never having to make important decisions.

Aiden makes them for us.

Every person that works for him has the same story for how they met Aiden. They were in trouble and he bailed them out.

That's his thing…

He finds people who have hit rock bottom. Whether you lost everything, everyone…or you're just lost in general. He helps you and in return you work for him.

You become one of his drones.

/

"You did good Carlin" Aiden pats me on the back with a smile on his face. We both stare into the room at the three girls inside. All three of them are handcuffed to the metal chairs they're sitting in.

This includes my baby sister.

"What will you be doing with them Sir?" I try to keep my voice neutral so he doesn't hear the concern lying beneath.

"Since when do you ask questions?"

Since it involves my sister, I want to say.

"Just asking Sir"

"Wondering what I'm going to do to that baby sister of yours?" I nod my head slowly. "Don't worry Carlin… it's nothing I haven't already done to her" He leans in close to my ear. "And believe me… I've done some pretty filthy things to her"

He wants a reaction. It's what he lives for… bringing the worst out of people. It's the reason he sent me away for a couple of months on business. So that when I came back he could surprise me with Spencer.

Not my baby sister, but the one he created.

The next thing I know, he's calling me back from Nevada. A couple of weeks after that he's telling me to bring my sister in.

The one time I should've thought for myself and I didn't.

Another decision I'll regret for the rest of my life.

"Are they awake yet?" We both turn around to see Madison. I attempt to telepathically thank her for interrupting. She shamelessly looks concerned in about the fate of the girls in that room.

Only Madison could get away with that.

Aiden turns to me and I take the hint to leave.

/

"_RUN SPENCER!"_

I'm jolted from my sleep by a memory I wish I didn't have. My body is covered in sweat even though I'm only wearing my boxers. I've been trying to get some sleep until Aiden sends for me again. I chose a random bedroom upstairs because I'm not exactly close to my place.

Plus I don't want to be too far from Spencer.

"Nightmares?" I look up and Madison is leaning against the doorway. "I'd have them too if I did what you did"

"Not now Maddie" I pull up my knees and bury my head in my hands. "I can't do this right now"

"He's going to kill her Glen… You and I both know that" The bed dips causing me to look up. I see the tears in her eyes and it makes my stomach clench.

"You don't know that", I grit out. Madison chokes back a sob.

"She killed Carmen"

And with that her fate is sealed.

I jump out of the bed and pull on my jeans. My fingers fumble at the zipper before a smaller set of hands still them. I squeeze my eyes shut as her hands stay put. She zips my pants up and buttons the top. Her hands move slowly up my chest until they reach my face.

"Glen", she breathes. I gulp at the sound of my name falling from her lips. "If you get a chance to save her…do it" I open my eyes to see her tears have now dried.

"What about you?" I have to ask because I've always cared about her. I've cared about her from the moment I truly looked at her.

"_Clean them both up" Aiden barks before leaving his bedroom. There are two girls covered in blood on the floor. I have one of my men go check on one of the girls. I lean my head against the girl that's closest to me to listen for a heartbeat._

_I never find one._

_I close the girl's eyes. She looks like she's no older than fifteen, but that's the age Aiden likes._

"_This one's breathing", one of the guys shout. I walk over to them to see a brunette who looks similar to the young girl that's dead. She coughs and blood spills onto her chin. "She's barely breathing… makes you wonder what the hell he does to these girls" I use my hand to wipe the blood from her face. _

_It's funny how the first thing I notice is how beautiful she is. _

_I take off my jacket and wrap her up in it. Then I carefully lift her in my arms._

"_I've got her. Bury the other one" _

"_Aiden's not going to approve of you having a crush on his girl" I glare at the other man and he gets the hint. When we're alone I take her into the bathroom and set her on the floor. I turn on the shower and make sure the water is hot._

_I'm reaching to help her take off her clothes when her eyes snap open. _

"_No…no…no… please no more" She tries to fight me as much as she can. I grab her face and force her to focus on me._

"_I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not like him… I promise" I don't know what possesses me to make that clarification, but I do. _

"_Where's my…" She looks into the bedroom and sees all of the blood. This causes tears to flow heavily from her eyes. She starts to sob and grips my shirt for something to hold onto. "Not her…please god not her…" I let her cry into me while I take off her clothes. She slumps against me and I help her into the shower. The water soaks my clothes, but all I care about is helping this girl. _

_Later on that night I convince Aiden to let her sleep in my bed. _

_I spend all night watching her sleep._

"Don't worry about me" She leans up and presses her lips against mine. "Aiden wants you downstairs". She heads for the door and pauses without looking back. "You don't have to keep paying for what you did. You've already paid enough Glen. Do the right thing… I know you're capable of it"

"How do you know?"

"Because you love me. You love me even after all he… He made me ugly and you still thought I was beautiful. It takes a good man to do that"

/

I head downstairs to the basement after carefully thinking out some kind of plan. Aiden passes me on the way with Madison on his trail. I try to keep my emotions in check. It helps when Madison lightly touches me as I pass them.

I get to the room where we're keeping the girls and dismiss the guy currently on duty. I walk into the room and see that all of the girls are still sleeping. I silently pray that I didn't hit Spencer too hard as I walk over to her chair and kneel before her.

"I'm so sorry Spence…I'm sorry. I'm sorry about Mom and Dad. I'm sorry about Clay. I'm sorry that I didn't fight hard enough for you and I let you down. I promise that if you ever forgive me… I'll never let you down again" I reach for the handcuff keys in my pocket. "I'm going to be a better brother"

All of a sudden I feel a sharp pain in my side. I look down and see a knife plunged into my side. I turn my head to see Aiden's face.

"Aren't you sweet?"


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter Twenty-Two: No One Here**

**Ashley's POV**

_And there's no one here  
Who loves you like I do  
Thank God this much is true_

I finally wake up when I hit the ground.

My hands are cuffed behind my back and my head is throbbing. I look up to see Aiden smirking down on you.

"Remember me?" He sends a hard kick to my stomach. It makes me curl into myself from the pain.

"Ashley!" I hear my name from what sounds like two people. I look up to see my sister and Spencer seated in metal chairs. Spencer's eyes are clouded with tears and she looks behind me for a second. I turn around to see the blonde boy from earlier slumped against the wall with his hands over a wound in his side. It takes me a minute to realize he's the same boy I passed on the street.

"I see you've met Glen…Spencer's brother" There's another kick to my side. "It's all very Jerry Springer" Aiden snaps his fingers and his guards unlock Spencer's handcuffs. They lift her up out of the chair, but keep her restrained. "It must be nice to have family… I use to have a cousin. That was until Spencer here decided to shoot her" This time Aiden kicks Glen's injured side before kicking my face. "But it's okay because I have two of her favorite people. The brother she's looked for, for years and her best friend" He points to Kyla lazily. "I don't know who the fuck you are" He pulls a gun out of his waistband. "But welcome… the more the merrier"

"Too bad we couldn't ask Carmen to join", I grit out. Aiden leans down and grabs my face.

"Don't tempt me" He shoves me back to the floor and motions with his hands. The men holding Spencer bring her forward. "Ashley brought up a good point. It seems we aren't even when it comes to family. So I'm going to give you a choice… best friend or brother?" The guards throw Spencer to the floor, but before she can get up Aiden has a gun at her head.

"I don't care if you kill me"

"I know you don't, but if you move I'll kill them both" Glen and I both look at each other. "Someone get Madison" We all wait until the Latina shows up.

"What's going on?" She glances around the room in confusion. I watch her eyes finally land on Glen and her whole body tenses.

"Spencer was just about to make a choice" Aiden grabs Spencer's hair, but she shows no signs of pain. "But before you do… Let me tell you a little story" He lets her go and walks around the room. "Granted… you know the end, but you don't know the beginning. There was once a wannabe gangster from Ohio. We'll call him Finn… wait…no…. when I think Finn I think Glee and then I get all sidetracked with musical numbers. Let's just call him Ohio" He looks up at Glen who is grimacing in pain. "Ohio wanted to be down so bad that he decided to get jumped into a gang. But poor, stupid Ohio didn't realize that this came with another price" Spencer looks up with a look that's between sadness and anger.

"Glen…?"

"I'm sorry…I'm…so….sorry" Aiden hits Glen with the butt of his gun.

"This is my story. So back to what I was saying… this gang has a price. In order to be in it… you have to kill any family you have"

That's when it clicks for me…why Spencer looks so betrayed.

"But of course since Ohio is a fucking pussy he couldn't do it. So they did it for him. They cleared out every last family member…except one" Aiden looks down at Spencer. "A little blonde haired girl who was lucky enough to get away. This girl was later taken to a foster home leaving poor Ohio alone. So who came and saved Ohio from the gang he wasn't ready for? That would be… me" He squats down to Glen's eye level. "You ungrateful bastard" He puts the gun in Glen's mouth. "You went and bit the hand that fed your fat ass. I should blow your brains all over this wall. You try to help your sister escape… and you fall for my girl" He moves the gun and shoots Madison. "Now she's no one's girl"

"MADISON!" Glen screams and his eyes glaze with tears. Spencer screams and tries to crawl to her.

"Maddie!" The guards try to hold her back as she reaches for Madison. Glen yells and tackles Aiden. I maneuver myself up and go for the guards holding Spencer. I throw my full weight at them and Spencer gets free.

The guards push me off of them and take turns kicking me. I hear Kyla's voice shouting and a shot rings out.

Everyone stops and we see Aiden holding Spencer with the gun.

"Everybody calm the fuck down!" He takes Spencer by the throat. "Now you're going to choose someone" She glances at me and we hold each other's gaze. "Who do you want to live?"

She keeps staring at me and I'm hoping that she sees its okay. That it's okay if she chooses her brother because fucked up or not… he's her family.

"Ashley…", she whispers. "I choose Ashley" Aiden nods his head and fires his gun.

It pierces me before I even have a chance to be happy.

"Ashley!" Spencer screams.

"What made you think I would give you her? It hurts more this way" He lets her go and she crawls over to me.

"Ashley… Ash… please don't die" My eyes start to feel heavy and I feel her lips on my face. "Don't go… please… you can't" I open my eyes and see the tears pouring down her cheek. "Ashley?"

"Spence…"

"I love you", she says with a simple shrug. "I love you so much. I've loved you since that day at the bus stop. So you can't die… because… because I'm finally going to love you… how you've always loved me. I want to love you while we watch Casper and we both share a look at the end because you never had to ask if you could keep me. Ashley… you've always had me. You're my Spiderman…"

"I love you too", I force out through the pain. I close my eyes and lean my head back.

I knew she'd say it back.

Thank you Santa.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter Twenty Three: Everywhere I Go**

**Spencer's POV**

_Danger  
Will follow me now  
Everywhere I go  
Angels  
Will call on me  
And take me to my home  
These tired eyes just want to remain  
Closed_

"Ashley… wake up baby" I lay my body against hers. "Please God don't take her"

I hear Kyla's hysterical cries behind me.

"Ashley! Ashley no…", she screams behind me.

I touch Ashley's wound and I swear I can physically feel it. My heart feels like it completely stopped.

It's not supposed to go like this.

She's not supposed to die like this.

I've lost everything… I can't lose her.

Shots ring out in the hallway and we all turn to the doorway. Aiden sends his men out to investigate. I feel him grab my shoulder, but I just tighten my grip on Ashley.

"_You would totally be my Bonnie" Ashley looks up and raises an eyebrow to me._

_/_

"_We should get a map", a fourteen year old Ashley suggests. Tonight we are sleeping behind a random grocery store. _

"_For what?" I ask while biting off a piece of beef jerky. I hold it out to Ashley and she takes a bite._

"_For when we leave here"_

"_Where would we go?" _

"_Somewhere happy"_

_/_

"_I wouldn't let that happen to you" I wait for her to elaborate. "I'll always save you Spence"_

_/_

He stops pulling on me and I hear shots in the room. I don't even flinch; I just keep holding Ashley and wishing for a redo.

"I love you" I whisper into her hair.

I'm being touched again, but when I look up its Kyla. She looks down at her sister and cries harder. I let her hold Ashley and look around the room. There's a group of men crowded around the door and finally one steps forward.

It's Boz.

He looks down at Ashley and falls to his knees.

"No… man… just… FUCK!" He points his gun at Aiden who is on his knees next to two large men. "You bastard!"

"No…", I finally voice. Boz looks to me and I hold my hand out for his gun.

"So you're going to finish me like you did Carmen?" Aiden sneers. "All for your little bitch"

"Her name is Ashley…" I fire off three rounds in him. I drop the gun and go to my brother who is still lying in the corner.

"More of Aiden's boys are coming", he says. "You have to get out of here. Get her to a hospital" Glen shakes his head. "I fucked up Sis… I know I did. There's nothing I can say that will bring back our family. But I love you… whether you believe it or not. I just wanted everything too much" We hear a bunch of people yelling. "You need to go now… try to save her"

"What about you?" He stares past me towards Madison. "You love her" He nods his head.

"I can't leave her… She's my Ashley", he jokes. Boz walks over to us and tosses Glen a gun.

"Aiden's guys are coming"

"I'll hold them off", Glen promises. I help him to his feet and he starts to laugh. "Remember the first time we saw Scarface? I said I wanted to go out like Tony" Everyone starts to clear out of the room and Boz carries out Ashley.

"You were always an idiot", I scoff. He looks down at me and shakes his head.

"It wouldn't have been the same" I glance at him in confusion. "We couldn't go back to the way things were. I always knew that what I did had consequences. I'm glad I got to see you though. My baby sis… If by some miracle I get into heaven Clay owes me ten bucks" I raise my eyebrow at him. "I told him you were going to grow up to be a lezzie" I joking hit him and he pulls me into his arms. "Do me a favor"

"Anything"

"Pretend that we never met like this. I want your last memory to be…"

"You fighting to keep me?" He nods his head. "I love you"

"You're just tossing those words around today", he jokes.

This is the brother I grew up with. The protective one that always made jokes that would sometimes piss off our parents.

He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his wallet. I watch him reach in and pull out a folded picture. He opens it up and I instantly recognize the memory. It's the whole family on a camping trip. Glen's arms are draped around me and Clay. Our mom and dad are holding each other tightly.

"I've always kept it on me" A loud bang interrupts us and Glen hugs me tightly. "Run Spencer", he whispers. "I love you Sis" This time he gives me the picture and pushes me and I head out of the room. When I look back he's making his way to Madison. "I'll be seeing you soon Maddie"

"Spencer come on", Kyla is motioning me to follow her. I run behind her and turn around to see my brother in the hallway.

"SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!" He yells before firing his gun. I watch him fall to his knees from the bullets. He keeps firing though and I swear I can hear him laughing.

/

**(Seven Months Later)**

I keep finding myself here these days.

Standing in the middle of this cemetery, talking to a ghost.

I kneel in front of the grave and trace the headstone. The letters pain me every time I touch them.

"Hey you… It's been a couple of days, I'm sorry. It just gets hard sometimes… I hope you understand. Dealing with Glen dying… and losing you. Some days it's hard enough getting out of bed. You were my best friend and you accepted me flaws and all. Just so you know I'm clean now. I know that's something you would have wanted" A single tear makes its way down my cheek. "Thank you for everything you did. I won't be back for awhile. I'm moving out of LA, too many memories. I just want to live a quiet life for a little while. Boz and Chelsea said that Rancho Cucamonga is nice. They said it's quiet there"

"I personally vote we get the hell out of California" I turn around at the sound of Ashley's voice.

"How about Europe?" Kyla suggest.

"What the hell would we do in Europe for the rest of our lives Ky?" Kyla says something back and they get into a mini argument.

"They're like cats and dogs sometimes" I say to Madison's grave. "Thank you Maddie for… well you know. Take care of my brother… tell him I love him" I can hear Madison's voice in my head. "I love you too you selfish bitch", I jokingly add.

I stand up and Ashley wraps her arms around me. She leans her forehead against my own.

"You ready to run away?" I shake my head enthusiastically and press my lips to hers. She kisses me back with just as much passion and I lose myself in the warmth of her lips. We pull away when Kyla clears her throat.

"I vote we go to Florida"

"It's all about Disneyland with you Spence"

"What's the point of having a rich girlfriend if you can't go to Disneyland?" I feel Ashley's hand brush mine and I place mine in hers.

"She makes a good point", Kyla mentions as we head back to the car. "We can totally go be tourists"

"Only retired seniors go to Florida", Ashley argues.

"Fine Ashley, where do you want to go?"

"Everywhere" She pulls me towards her and throws her arm over my shoulder. "I almost died so I should get first pick"


End file.
